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Monday, April 30, 2018

The Worms Crawl In, The Worms Crawl Out: They Take Your Joy and Spit It Out.

I touched on this in my last blog post, I felt I needed to get all my thoughts on this topic out, as sometimes writing is the only way I can rid myself of things that float in my brain.  

I always knew how words can hurt.  I've been hurt by them many times in my life.  But I have come to feel that one small voice that is negative and or cruel  is like a black imaginary worm digging and weaving its way through your soul, brain and heart.  Even when you are desperately trying to stop the worm, telling it to go away and that it has no power because it is not real and does not belong to you-it is inside you becoming a part of you.  That is the way I can best describe the way these hurtful things make me feel.  Even someone that has a great support system and many more voices of encouragement and joy still feels the effect of these worms because the good words don't get inside your soul like the worms...those are just teeny tiny plugs, they can only fill the holes, and it may take hundreds of these kind words to fill up the holes of one nasty worm.

I live my life in such a way that I am happiest when I am making others happy. Maybe this is why words hurt me so much?  I am so envious of those that don't seem affected by negativity or criticism.  I have a hard time imagining how someone would take time out of their lives to make someone else feel like dirt.

When I was in Junior High I had a mean girl walk up to me as I was sitting at a desk.  She was just someone in my class, we'd never had any conversations or interactions.  She walked up to me and whispered in my ear, "We must...we must increase our bust..."  she continued with the whole song nice and quite and slow.  It was the epitome of meanness. There was nobody egging her on.  She wasn't recording it (this was long before cellphones haha!).  She just did it to be mean to me personally.  No witnesses except her and I.   That was so many years ago and I can still feel her breath in my ear.  I can feel the tears stinging my eyes.  I can see the rest of the class completely oblivious to what was going on.  It wasn't the words she said.  Lord knows I knew I was flat chested.  I also had a giant scar running down my chest from my open heart surgery just a few months before.  What really hurt was that this evil was in my world.

People ask me all the time why I crochet.  The simple answer is that it makes me happy.  Well, it is more than that.  My yarn and hook don't hurt me.  They only bring me joy, and I love it when they bring joy to others as well.  I'm filling wormholes ya'll.  I don't know if there is enough yarn in the world to fill my wormholes but I'm trying.  I'm really really trying.  Sometimes though, it just seems that there is never enough yarn.  I share my yarning world with the world because I hope it brings people happiness, not because I want to be famous or known. I much prefer to be a nobody-there is far less stress that way.  I am not a strong person.  I really am not.  How can someone be strong when their heart and soul is full of wormholes?

I can only continue to live my life throwing out as many compliments as I can.  A compliment is such an easy thing, and makes the giver just as happy as the receiver.  At least it should.

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