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Tuesday, March 1, 2016

The Light Shines Through

Sometimes your soul just hurts so bad you feel that surely you have lost a little piece of it.  I think every time I make something, I am patching up a little hole in my soul…it is fitting that when you hold a knitted item up to the light you can see the sun shining through…Maybe, the pieces aren’t really lost…maybe they are just turned around a little and need rearranging......

I wrote that yesterday on my facebook….This is the story behind that post-because I hate vagueness and just saying that little bit didn’t help my soul to feel better.

I have long been a fan of Pollyanna.  I try to always take a bad and find the good in it.  I always keep my father’s words close to my heart, “No matter how bad you think you have it, someone else always has it worse.”  But sometimes, our own pain is very real, and sometimes we need a little cleanse.  This is mine.

My mom left me when I was little.  I was blessed to have been raised by my father.  Every major holiday I would be uprooted and become the “Unaccompanied Minor” on the plane and go visit my mom.  I would look out that little airplane window and be so sad, knowing I was leaving my home.  Never failed-a tear (or fifty) would slip down my cheek-no matter how much I told myself, “this time, try not to cry, Shawn!”   She lived with her new husband and his kids from a previous marriage would always come to visit the same time.  (I’m stating now, that I really like this man and his children a LOT-this narrative is my relieving myself of the pain caused to me by my mother).  This meant I never really had ‘mommy daughter’ time.  I admit, I did have a lot of fun when I would visit-but it was not really any bonding time with my mother. 

Even in the best of situations, divorce sucks.  It sucks to know your mom left you and never wants to visit you (since I was the one who always had to travel the distance and be uprooted-I was the one doing the visiting not the other way around).  I spent my youth dreaming of how I would have kids and love them so much.  I would never leave them. I would tell them every day how very much I love them.  I learned from my mother-how to not behave as a parent.  I would fall asleep almost every single night wishing I was dead-I would think about how maybe, at my funeral she would show that she cared.  Yes, this is stupid and childish, but I was a child-and I hurt so very deeply.  I even cut myself.  Oh, I don’t like to admit that-it’s embarrassing.  I didn’t REALLY want to kill myself-I know that now.  I just would be so filled with self-loathing and sadness that it was my release.  I was horrified after I did it, and would see  what a mess I made of my arms and I would hide it (or try to).  I thought I was the only one on the planet that did that.  Now, as an adult, I hear that it is a thing that people do-no comfort in knowing I was not the only one to do that.   Actually, one of my friends saw my arms once and dragged me to the counselor.  I’d have to say, as far as counselors go she was pretty crappy.  Clearly I needed help and none was given.  She just told me to punch a pillow. Sure lady.  Sure.

As an adult, I went through a period where I just wanted to stop being hurt by my mom.  I told her that until she got sober I wouldn’t speak with her.  That lasted for a few years, until the death of my Great Grandfather-which caused us to start speaking again.  I told myself, that I did not want to be an excuse for her to drink.  Alcoholics always need an excuse for drinking-so I told myself that no matter how hard it was, I would continue to try to  have a relationship with this woman.  

She is an even worse grandparent than she is a parent.  She has maybe met my 14 year old daughter three (maybe four?) times.  I think the first time she met my daughter was when my daughter was a year and a half old.  What kind of mother doesn’t rush over to meet her new grandbaby?   So now, in my adult life I console myself with planning how I will be the best grandma ever! 

My mom has been asking me for the date of my kids’ graduation party (one is graduating high school the other junior high).  I told her I wasn’t 100% sure that we were having a party due to my husband’s new job.  I told her to just plan her time to visit and if I have a party I will plan it for on a date that she is here.  I was informed that the ONLY reason she was going to visit me (keep in mind it has been years since I have seen her-and she did not invite me to the family reunion she planned last summer) was to be at the party.  My bad, I thought you wanted to visit, and were just going to make it convenient to plan your visit around the party.  I should have known.  She is the person who wants to say, how wonderful she is-"LOOK!  I went to your graduation party!"  But ya...were you here for the graduation?  Or how about all that lead up to it?  No...I thought, surely, I misunderstood what she meant, so I asked for clarification.  Yup.  She only will visit if  I have a party.  No thanks.

The reunion…yes…I have told her repeatedly through my adult life, whenever she makes the journey to visit her home town to let me know.  Because I was only a ‘visitor’ to that area and that family, I don’t really know that family at all.  I love visiting them though!  She planned a visit to go there-even went so far as to invite my brother (who lives just as far away from that place as I do) but didn’t bother to invite me.  I kept waiting for her to ask me if I wanted to come.  No invitation ever came.  I was heartbroken.   Completely crushed.  The photos of her and my brother reconnecting with family as they visited  started popping up on facebook and my hurt intensified.  Would you believe she had no idea why I ignored her for a few months?  I had to spell out for her that it hurt my feelings that she didn’t invite me to a family reunion.  Then she tried to make me feel bad for saying that and threatened to kill herself or something along those lines.   

Honestly, I didn’t want her to come visit anyhow.  This is true and my family knows it.  They see my pain every day.  They hear me when I tell them that I am squeezing them extra hard that it is because I didn’t get a hug from my mom every day-I only got a few a year.  Sometimes, I am grateful to have the story of the crappy mother just so I can weasel a few extra hugs from my kids! Haha!  My kids, bless their little hearts,  kept telling me to be the bigger person and invite her to the party.  They are so sweet, and like me, don’t want to be the cause of anyone’s pain.  So I did…invite her…against my will…and was shat upon once again.

I am done now.  This is me cleansing my life of her.  I cannot continue to be emotionally destroyed by her.  How many times can a person rip pieces of your soul out before it stops hurting?  Apparently, a soul is infinite, because the times for me are countless and it still hurts-even with the knowledge that I know she will continue to hurt me.  I KNOW she will never be the kind of mom any person deserves.  I know that.  But even with this knowledge, the pain still comes.   Every single day-but some days are more bearable than others. 

I hate when I see on facebook or other social media, those stupid memes that say “love your mom because you only have one.”  Guess what?  That’s stupid.  I’ll love who I love for the reasons someone should be loved.  Facebook memes are so funny sometimes, my mom actually posted one once that said, “my mom taught me everything except how to live without her.”  Really?  REALLY?  She is THAT clueless. 

This is me, Shawn, moving on.  This is me, trying to make the world a better place because I am in it.  I don’t want to be the cause of anyone’s pain, but I am going to have to do that for my own sanity.  Maybe she won’t be sad because I stop talking to her, and that is OK too.  I just know, that I am now done.  This fake relationship is too real to continue.  My heart is not a game and my love is real.  My pain is true.

I love being a happy person.  I love being fun and silly.  I love waking up every morning with a smile and thinking about ways to make the world a little sunshiny.  Maybe it is just knitting a zombie doll with guts falling out-or maybe it is dropping a little crocheted bunny in the mall for some kid to find…it doesn’t matter-I just love being happy and I love when everyone else is happy.  Life is way too short to be sad for long and if you can’t find a way to find the silver lining and the sun that is always behind the clouds then  maybe it is time for a little change.

Writing out my pain is my soul cleanse.  It always has been.  It is like I am taking everything dark and sad inside me and removing it.  Once I have written it out I don’t have to continue to think about it.  If I ever need to remember, I know I can always go back and read about it-but it can be removed from my mind.  I needed that today.  I’m sorry I had to write this boring little depressing thing…but I hope that you see that it really isn’t a sad post…I don’t want pity, sympathy or hugs.  Be proud of me.  Be happy for me.  This is me moving on, taking a deep breath and keeping on keeping on!  This is me living.  This is me smiling.  This is me….Now back to knitting.  I have a fun fun fun project I am about to start. Something I’ve been wanting to do for a long time!  I can’t wait to hold it up to the sunshine and see the light shining through.

Crafts have been my way of dealing with stress and sadness...When my hubby deployed the first time I went to the store and bought a sewing machine-never had sewn before-but taught myself to sew to keep my mind busy.  The second time he deployed, I had JUST quit smoking and didn't want to start up again so I started crocheting again like a maniac....Those hooks, needles and fabric saved me I think...more times than I can count.

Update:  My son, seeing my pain, had a long chat with me the other day...he told me I more than made up for my mom-he said I was the best mom ever, that I was always there for every single thing that ever happened in his life...And I told him, that was the bare minimum.  That should be expected.  THAT is what a mom should do-without thanks or question.  That is what every single kid on this planet deserves...it doesn't make me the best mom ever-it just makes me a mom.  And I am happy with that. :)

Monday, February 1, 2016

Rooster Of My Dreams Ornament

I've gotten a little addicted to my chickens.  I've been incorporating them in many things-watercolors, pen and ink, crochet, knitting, sewing and even my mannerisms (much to my family's dismay!).  In celebration of the new chickens I will be getting in March I am offering this pattern for free!  If you are like me and can't get enough chickens, you may want to check out my Rooster Hat Pattern on Ravelry-it's not a free pattern, but I try to keep the cost low so everyone can afford it.  I use the money I earn to help pay for my children's extra curricular activities-it is my way of contributing monetarily to our family.

I'll be having a contest that you will be able to participate in if you so desire, using this new pattern, on my Dragonbird Creations Facebook this is such a quick project, you should really consider entering-unless you don't like getting free patterns for prizes! ;) I'd really love for a lot of people to participate...because really...games are really only fun when people play!!!

This pattern has not been tested (except for myself making many-so please let me know if you find any errors or confusing parts, I'll do my best to fix it up).

Rooster Of My Dreams Ornaments

By:  Shawn Torres

Stitches and Abbreviations
dc-double crochet
rsc-reverse single crochet
RS-right side

BLO-back loop only

Worsted weight in various colors (I used I Love This Yarn)
Tapestry needle
H (5.0 mm) hook 

Pattern Notes and Hacks
Gauge is not important-you can use any yarn or hooks for a different sized rooster. 
Feel free to switch up your colors every round or keep it the same every round.

Here is how it looks using size 10 thread-LOVE!


 1.   (Rs) Make a magic loop, ch 2 (counts as dc throughout), 19 dc in loop; join with sl st to first dc. (20)


2.  Ch 1, sc in same dc, 2 sc in each dc around;  join with sl st to first dc in BL. (40)

3.       In BLO this round:  Ch 2, dc in same dc, dc in next 2dc, *(2 dc in next dc, dc in next 2 dc) repeat from *around ; join with sl st to first dc

4.       Fold your circle so that the wrong sides are together and your working loop is at the right side of the folded half circle.  Rsc across the bottom edge of the body working through both layers of the body-this is how your rooster’s body will be closed.  Finish off.


Join with sl st in tip of the ‘tail’, *ch 10, sl in same space, sl in next st (going towards the bottom of the body-not along the top); repeat from * three more times and finish off

With contrasting color, join with sl st to the tip of the tail in first space as 1st tail feather, *chain 13, sl st in same space**, sl st in same st as next tail feather; repeat from *-**once more and finish off.

Join with sl st to into the tip of the ‘head’, ch 4, sl st in same space, sl st in next space (going towards the top of the body not along the bottom), ch 5, sl st in same space, sl st in next space, ch 4, sl st in same space and finish off.

Join with sl st to 4 stitches away from the comb, 2 dc into the space that is 2 stitches away from comb, sl st in same space; finish off

(see previous photo for wattle)

sl st in same stitch that you ended your wattle on, ch 4, sl st in 2nd ch from hook, sc in next 2 chains and sl st in the space that the comb began on; finish off.

In the center of the bottom of the rooster’s body, [ch 12, sl st in 2nd ch from hook and next 2 chains, *ch 3, sl st in 2nd ch from hook and next 2 chains; repeat from * once more and then sl st in each chain that remains from leg, sl st in same st as beginning sl st], sl st in next st on body, then repeat [-] for the next leg and finish off.  (see previous photo for legs)

Weave in all ends and decorate as desired.  Be creative and use buttons, beads, feathers, sequins or whatever your heart desires! After your roo is all decorated you can then add your hanger by using a piece of yarn-you may have to adjust where you place the hanger based on how heavy certain parts of the roo is so that he hangs straight. J   I’d love to see your finished rooster-feel free to share it or tag DragonbirdCreations on facebook!

©Dragonbird Creations  This pattern is for personal use only.  You have permission to sell any items you make using this pattern.  Do not distribute, copy or sell this pattern, photos, videos and links, descriptions or anything other content included in this pattern.  If you have any questions regarding this pattern, you may email me at DragonbirdCreations@live.com  

Thursday, January 7, 2016

Waking Up To Watercolors

A strange thing happened the other day...I woke up and felt the need to watercolor a chicken.  I love painting-I love painting on faces and making murals for walls, but I have never ever used watercolors before.  I did,  however, purchase supplies a few months ago thinking I'd like to try it, but then after reading up on it got too scared and just put them in a cabinet.

I awoke with a focus and drive I've never experienced before-a huge calling to me to try watercolors..  Totally bazaar, but I went with it...And then this happened...

And then this happened....

Then I painted the photo you see at the very top of the page-my favorite one as of now!  Then I had a request for  cardinal as they remind my friend of her late mother....and this happened!  I wanted to evoke the feeling of joy, hope and energy...I hope I captured that...this was my practice piece and I'll get some better paper in a few days and do a real one...

I am glad I went with my wake up feelings that day....this has given me a great feeling of accomplishment...I know I have a lot to improve, but I'm focused on the future and learning more!  I was never allowed to take an art class in High School-I had to fill my schedule with honors classes and foreign language...all great to know, but I always had wanted to take an art class...maybe, just maybe, if I'd been allowed to do it I'd have found a purpose to my life-I spent so many years wandering and confused, not sure of what I wanted out of life (besides being a mom)...

Sunday, December 27, 2015


So, for my 40th birdday I got some money-and of COURSE I wanted to spend some on YARN!  I've been wanting to make this sweater for the longest time, and decided the time has come.

I don't like necks that touch my neck though-I'm very very particular about that-I get a feeling of being strangled...so of course I was stressing over how to modify the pattern to avoid that entirely.  Many awesome Ravelers came to my aid and offered up some advice and I'm going to be implementing some short rows in the back between the colorworked sections...

Whilst waiting for my yarn to arrive I played with different color combinations-using photoshop to help my eyes get their thirst for a visual quenched...I'm happy with the combo I have picked and now for the fun stuff!  THE KNITTING!

My poor postman must think I'm insane.  He is so sweet to run all the way down my driveway to bring me packages-he actually waits for me to answer (not like that stinky UPS guy who just chcuks stuff at the door and all I see of him as I open the door is his backside jumping back into the truck).  I saw that box and just about lost it yesterday!  I do believe I even jumped up and down...may have screamed a bit too!

The next day:  I finished up the ribbing, colorwork and a bit more-I stressed about my gauge a little-I thought I was spot on at first but then realized it was getting 16 stitches instead of 18 for every 10cm...but I'm not going to sweat it.  I wanted this sweater to be a little roomy and I chose a small-I normally like a medium when I want roomy-so I'm going with it.  It looks lovely!  The yarn is scratchy-but not nearly as scratchy as I thought it would be!

12-22-15:  Merry almost Christmas!! In between making oodles of Christmas cookies, finishing some last minute gifts, wrapping all the presents (haven't yet broken my vow to always wrap as soon as I bring the gift home), a few little trips to the post office, I have managed to make a good deal of progress on my sweater. I have taken a few hours of the last few days to watch a movie each day with my daughter (The Hobbit movies-we always do a LOTR marathon on New Year's Eve, so we wanted to get ready) so I pounded out quite a bit watching the hobbits and dwarfs hunting down Smaug...Now I'm wondering why the plural of dwarf is dwarfs and not dwarves?

My modifications to this pattern are below...Please refer to the actual Afmaeli pattern, as I am only posting my notes on how I modified it slightly to accommodate for my neck issues... Please note that the ds refers to a double stitch as for German Short Rows-you can easily wrap and turn instead if you prefer. 

I use a 3.5 needle throughout-I tend to knit looser and it wound up working well for me that way...

During the yoke portion I used some short rows in this manner:

for round 1:  K80 (I made an adult small-you will have a different count on a different size-I think I was about five stitches from the center) PM, turn, ds, p 224 PM, turn, ds, k to beginning.

then I skipped row 4 and continued with round 5, kept going until round 15...
round 15, k to 3 stitches before SM, turn, ds, p to 3 stitches before SM, turn, ds, k to beginning and then go to round 18...

keep going until you reach round 31-k to 8 stitches before SM, turn, ds, p to 8 stitches before SM, turn, ds, k to end and start with round 33.

Row 42: k to 11 stitches before SM,turn, ds, p to 11 stitches before SM, turn, ds, k to end and then start with round 44.

for the neckband I omitted all of the decreases that it tells you to do.  I only did 3 cm of ribbing.  Also, I switched up the coloring-I wanted to see more of that lovely blue so I made sure I chose blue for the larger portion of the color chart-I also added one round of all black to give it a finished look before starting on the ribbed portion-SO happy with it!

Saturday, December 12, 2015

Winner Winner Chicken Dinner!

I made this Rooster Hat Pattern a while back and never got around to actually making a hat for myself.  I wound up donating the last one I had after all the testing was over (it wound up getting $90 in a silent auction-which is CRAZY to me-but I was thrilled to hear that).

I had dreamed of having chickens ever since we moved to our new home.  My hubby really wasn't into the whole chicken thing, so it really took 4 years of convincing and foot dragging (on hubby's part) with the construction of the coop being in a state of construction for about a year and a half.

I am officially in love with my girls now, we've had them since the day before Easter and I haven't had to purchase eggs since July!  Very exciting!  I belong to a few chicken groups on facebook and I offered up a chicken hat to the winner of a little contest we have every month...Well, I got all excited about making one and decided to make one for an administrator who does so much for the group and one more for MYSELF!  EEEHAWWWW!!!

I love my chicken hat-although not half as much as I love my chickens!  :)  Next spring I plan on adding to my flock...I want to have a total of 12-20 hens and one rooster...I plan on buying a straight run so I have to plan for 50% being roosters...but then I have crappy luck, and you have to consider some may not hatch....so I should take that into account as well...so I will most likely be getting 50ish fertilized eggs.. CHICKEN MATH!!!  I plan on being able to raise my own chicks from my flock and butchering them for eating when I have more chicks than I need...I won't name those of course.

Wednesday, December 2, 2015

Easy Brioche Panel

I fell in love instantly when I saw the Stockholm Scarf (free pattern by KnittedblissJC)..I knew instantly that I had to make it-but then I also knew that I didn't have enough of any one color.  Plus, I really like to mess around with things...can't just do things the easy way, ya know?

So....I fiddle farted around a bit and wound up with this fun little infinity scarf!

I followed the first panel (the dark grey) as written...

Instead of making another panel the same way, this is where I started getting a little creative.

For each of the tan and pink panel I used a cast on of 37  (multiples of 5 plus 2) and then followed the pattern for the same amount of repeats as I used for the long panel.

For the brioche portion, I warn you-I am a brioche novice-I've never written up a brioche pattern and I just sort of fudged what I was doing...If you look at my panels there are a few strategically placed decreases and increases-those are not included in this little pattern as I just snuck them in here and there as I felt I wanted them...But here is the brioche panel for straight lines (it is up to you to add decreases and increases if you feel you need them also).

In my version of this brioche panel, please note that I switched my CC to a different color about halfway through...just cuz I felt like it (and I was running out of pink).

CO an even number.

1.  With MC, p1, *slyo, p1, repeat from * to the last stitch, sl-SLIDE work to the other end of the needle
2.  With CC:  sl, *brk, sly; repeat from * across-TURN work.

1a.  With MC, sl, brk, *slyo, brk; repeat from * across until the last two stitches, slyo, k-SLIDE work to the other end of the needle.
1b.  With CC, P, slyo, *brp, sly; repeat from * across until the last 2 stitches, brp, sl-TURN work.

2a.  With MC, p1, *slyo, brp; repeat from * across until the last stitch, sl-SLIDE work tot he other end of the needl.
2b.  With CC, sl, *brk, slyo; repeat from * across until the last stitch, k-TURN

repeat 1-2 until the piece measures the desired height and then BO loosely.

Friday, November 20, 2015

Dumpster of Life (or Death)

Every year I try to get ornaments that have significance in our past year...Last year, if you were paying attention, you would have seen the podiatrist shrunken head and ingrown toenail ornaments I made for my son....

This year, I decided I needed a Glenn Dumpster...Now, of course I made it as an ornament, but it would make a great gift box for any Walking Dead fan...Or just a fun little table doodad...you could put some zombie guts in it or something...or candy...ya...candy!!!

Anyhow, here is how you make this little gem

With worsted weight yarn I recommend 100% wool-I didn't have wool, I used acrylic, but it isn't as structured as it could be if you used wool...
US 3 (or any sized needle that will give you very tight gauge)

Very small amounts of white, brown, grey, yellow and dark blue.

with dark blue CO 15
Work 10 rows of stockinette (starting with a knit row)

Long sides (make two)
with dark blue CO 15
k 3 rows
work in stockinette for 7 more rows starting with a purl row

Short Sides (make two)
with dark blue CO 7
k 3 rows
work in stockinette for 7 more rows starting with a purl row

With grey, co 22
(k1tbl, p1) across for 12 rows

The garter edges are the tops of your sides-so keep that in mind for the embroidery:
 using your yellow and grey and looking at photo for the details, use duplicate stitch embroidery to make the little yellow sign and the grey thinamathing....

White bag
with white, pick up 3 stitches from the top of the front long side
1.  kfb, k, kfb
2.  k2, k2tog, kfb
3. BO2, k2tog
4.  k2tog and finish off

Cardboard box
with brown, pick up 3 stitches from the top of the front long side
k 3 rows


separate strands from your brown yarn.  Using one strand chain loosely, until your chain is the desired lenght.

Whip stitch the side seams-only sew the lid on the very back long seam.
Update:  I've finally gotten my Christmas Tree up and I am happy to report that Glenn's Dumpster was the first ornament on the tree!  If you listen closely, you can hear Sebastion singing softly to Glenn, "Unda Da Dumpsta!"