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Wednesday, November 21, 2018

Phoenix is a Dragonbird: Rising out of the Ashes of My Past

I have been deep in thought lately, about how I keep dragging along my woes.  Well, just one woe.  I still cannot wrap my brain around having a child (two actually) and moving on with my life without them.  I spent the first two birthdays with  my biological mother, and after that, none.  No major holidays, no birthdays, actually, not really any days.  I don't know why it keeps ripping my soul apart but it does.  I guess it is just a personal thing, that my brain keeps saying, "well, your own damn mother doesn't even care about you."  I know it shouldn't matter.  But it does.  It is something that is always gripping my heart and tainting my soul and pounding in my brain.

I smile, I have fun, I laugh I do all the things a happy person should do.  I AM happy.  My life is happy.  My little family is so wonderful.  We are not perfect, but I am even happy with that!  There is just always that one little wart that sticks to everything.  I never feel good enough and am so insecure at times that I just can't take it!

Every stitch I make is my escape.  It is my way to try to show the world that I am happy, I am worthy, I am fun.  Sometimes, on the inside, I am just screaming, "CAN'T YOU SEE HOW MISERABLE I AM?!"

Someone posted recently, "Forgive those that have harmed you."  My response to that was that if you stab me and walk away, I could totally forgive you.  BUT if you put a splinter in my arm and it won't get out....it festers and hurts, completely embedded and unreachable....I'm not going to forgive you.

My mother met my daughter (my youngest) when she was almost two years old.  Who doesn't rush off right away to meet their grandkid?  I think my daughter has only ever met her grandma two more times.  She is almost 17.  Ick.  I just can't fathom it.

I am Dragonbird.  This name is for my Son and my Daughter-the two animals they both used to love when they were little.  My son loved dragons my daughter loved birds.  When you put them together they make a phoenix-I mean, after all, is that what a phoenix is? I even have a phoenix on my boxing gloves. I feel it is a good representation of me.  I feel like every day I am rising out of the ashes.  Every day is like I have to start all over again telling myself I am worthy of happiness.  Every day I have to tell myself that I am good enough as I am.  I have been having a rough couple of weeks. My  hubby had surgery and it has been very trying.  He isn't handling his down time well haha!  I don't blame him, but I guess that is why I'm feeling that it is harder to get my Dragonbird on.  This project was just what I needed, this Phoenix baby photo prop.  I needed a little self validation.  :) I can't wait to start testing it.

A few months later:  Today is Christmas.  I was going to pop on and post a post about how depressing it is to never be important enough to someone who you should be important to want to see on Christmas.  I decided against it because my last post (this one) was already depressing about it. It has gotten so bad I don't even want to look at myself in the mirror.  I don't like the person I see looking back at me.  That is pretty typical (I usually stick my tongue out at my reflections-that is always) but it's gotten much more vibrant.  I was never really aware of it as I am these past few weeks.  I think, I just really miss my son.  This is my THIRD damn Christmas without him.  It just isn't possible to be together, but next year, he will be stationed in MY COUNTRY!  I will see him no matter what. Either he comes to me or we all go to him.  I hope my children know how much their mom loves them-deep in their souls.  Not fake love but true, pure and unalterable.  I never want them to feel the feelings I feel.  The sitting on a couch, watching everyone around you have fun and loving each other while you sit with a fake smile and try to make the burn of the tears go away before they start making rivers down your cheeks.  Smiling as you watch your fake family open gifts that nobody brought you because you aren't really their family-holding the one present you got because there was one family member that actually thought about the step child and you don't want to open it right away or there will be nothing to hide your tears if they start falling...No, you wait to open it when that sting gets too bad so you can hold the paper up as you slowly unwrap with one hand, and wipe a tear with the other.