Yesterday I went to the Deli at Jewel. There weren't many people there, so I thought it was safe. The next half hour was a true test in my stamina, restraint and sanity.
First, it must have been a complete Cluster #$(* earlier in the day because there was a brand spanking new roll in the ticket dispenser, and they didn't even bother to close it back up or start the new roll...As I was attempting to figure out how he hell to get the number off some lady asked if I had my ticket (she shall be called Ticket Lady), I gave her a look and said, "No, I'm still trying to figure this stupid thing out." Ticket Lady literally nudged me away and grabbed two tickets and handed one to me-she was lucky she gave me the 00 or fists would have been thrown.
We were already on number 98, thank goodness, surely this won't take long at all! Now I can sit back and sort of people watch for a bit. Both the deli ladies were running on empty. They looked like soulless shells of humans that wanted nothing more than to go in the back and take a long nap. The way they moved those meat slicers was making me want to put my Drill Instructor pants on-"MOVE YOUR ARMS WOMEN, MEAT SLICING AIN'T FOR SISSIES! YOU WORK AT JEWEL? THE ONLY THING THAT WORKS AT JEWEL IS STEERS AND...." I'm sure that would have gone over well.
I think, when people realize there is a long line behind them, something inside them snaps. They realize they have power. They wield this power like a crazed dictator wields the nuke button. All of a sudden people were dong stupid stuff like, asking for 'one more this' and 'Oh ya, could I also get,' oooh let us not forget the ever terrifying, "do you have that one thing that' OMG!!!!
FINALLY my number is called, as I am jumping up and down like I've won the lotto-and not one of those stupid cheap ass scratch offs-I mean the multi-million lotto-I yell, "One pound of pepperoni thin sliced." Why does everyone else make the poor ladies walk all the way over to them so they can gently whisper their order? These are not some sort of top secret spy meats. As my lady is very slowly slicing my meat-OMG I've never seen anyone go so slow-I can imagine my boxing instructor saying, "SPEED ONE TWOS SPPEEEEDDDDD!!! EXTEND YOUR ARMS!!!!"
Now it is Ticket Lady's turn with the other snail behind the counter. Ticket Lady says to the snail, "After you change your gloves I want...." OMG if you want to see a snail go slower-order them to change their gloves. Actually, what IS slower than a snail? Is there anything? Maybe a snail lollygagging through quick sand.
Anyhow, during all of this my poor daughter was just sort of oozing into a pile of, "I hate you for making me come with you to Jewel." Of course the damn pepperoni was for HER stupid sandwiches that no one else eats. haha! I feel like I need a trophy for surviving this experience.