Phoenix is a Dragonbird: Rising out of the Ashes of My Past

I have been deep in thought lately, about how I keep dragging along my woes.  Well, just one woe.  I still cannot wrap my brain around having a child (two actually) and moving on with my life without them.  I spent the first two birthdays with  my biological mother, and after that, none.  No major holidays, no birthdays, actually, not really any days.  I don't know why it keeps ripping my soul apart but it does.  I guess it is just a personal thing, that my brain keeps saying, "well, your own damn mother doesn't even care about you."  I know it shouldn't matter.  But it does.  It is something that is always gripping my heart and tainting my soul and pounding in my brain.

I smile, I have fun, I laugh I do all the things a happy person should do.  I AM happy.  My life is happy.  My little family is so wonderful.  We are not perfect, but I am even happy with that!  There is just always that one little wart that sticks to everything.  I never feel good enough and am so insecure at times that I just can't take it!

Every stitch I make is my escape.  It is my way to try to show the world that I am happy, I am worthy, I am fun.  Sometimes, on the inside, I am just screaming, "CAN'T YOU SEE HOW MISERABLE I AM?!"

Someone posted recently, "Forgive those that have harmed you."  My response to that was that if you stab me and walk away, I could totally forgive you.  BUT if you put a splinter in my arm and it won't get out....it festers and hurts, completely embedded and unreachable....I'm not going to forgive you.

My mother met my daughter (my youngest) when she was almost two years old.  Who doesn't rush off right away to meet their grandkid?  I think my daughter has only ever met her grandma two more times.  She is almost 17.  Ick.  I just can't fathom it.

I am Dragonbird.  This name is for my Son and my Daughter-the two animals they both used to love when they were little.  My son loved dragons my daughter loved birds.  When you put them together they make a phoenix-I mean, after all, is that what a phoenix is? I even have a phoenix on my boxing gloves. I feel it is a good representation of me.  I feel like every day I am rising out of the ashes.  Every day is like I have to start all over again telling myself I am worthy of happiness.  Every day I have to tell myself that I am good enough as I am.  I have been having a rough couple of weeks. My  hubby had surgery and it has been very trying.  He isn't handling his down time well haha!  I don't blame him, but I guess that is why I'm feeling that it is harder to get my Dragonbird on.  This project was just what I needed, this Phoenix baby photo prop.  I needed a little self validation.  :) I can't wait to start testing it.

A few months later:  Today is Christmas.  I was going to pop on and post a post about how depressing it is to never be important enough to someone who you should be important to want to see on Christmas.  I decided against it because my last post (this one) was already depressing about it. It has gotten so bad I don't even want to look at myself in the mirror.  I don't like the person I see looking back at me.  That is pretty typical (I usually stick my tongue out at my reflections-that is always) but it's gotten much more vibrant.  I was never really aware of it as I am these past few weeks.  I think, I just really miss my son.  This is my THIRD damn Christmas without him.  It just isn't possible to be together, but next year, he will be stationed in MY COUNTRY!  I will see him no matter what. Either he comes to me or we all go to him.  I hope my children know how much their mom loves them-deep in their souls.  Not fake love but true, pure and unalterable.  I never want them to feel the feelings I feel.  The sitting on a couch, watching everyone around you have fun and loving each other while you sit with a fake smile and try to make the burn of the tears go away before they start making rivers down your cheeks.  Smiling as you watch your fake family open gifts that nobody brought you because you aren't really their family-holding the one present you got because there was one family member that actually thought about the step child and you don't want to open it right away or there will be nothing to hide your tears if they start falling...No, you wait to open it when that sting gets too bad so you can hold the paper up as you slowly unwrap with one hand, and wipe a tear with the other.

Norwegian Cruise Line: The Bliss Review

This is going to be very long and detailed.

This was our first cruise as a family and the first NCL cruise for my husband and myself.  It had been more than 20 years since we’d been on one (his was a Carnival and mine was a Royal Caribbean).  I stressed a LOT over the plans and ‘what was going to happen’ since I am stress prone and there wasn’t much information out there.  I am writing this all down to help anyone else with the same sorts of questions or whomever just wants to “know how it is going to go down.”

We arrived in Seattle a day early so we couldn’t take advantage of the shuttle to the ship, but we found one at our hotel we could pay for.  Once arriving at the dock, there was a LOT of people and I was pretty overwhelmed, but everything went fairly smoothly.  We had to dump our big suitcases there with the staff (which I was unaware of).  We did not get our bags until after 8 PM.  We could have gone swimming had we brought our suits or something in our backpacks, so you should plan accordingly. 

We got our keycards right away.  It said ‘soda’ on them as we bought the soda package.  This package was pretty unnecessary, as they have lots of delicious lemonade and juices there for you all the time at the Garden Buffet area and also on the Observation deck.  To get your pop you have to go to any bar and ask for pop.  This is annoying because this is not where you get your food.  Nobody even asked to see our cards for pop either, I’m not suggesting you cheat the system, I’m just saying everyone was very nice and trusting and didn’t make you feel like a underling. 

Back to the keycards.  These are necessary for turning the lights and outlets in your room.  You put them in the slot and then the stuff in the room works-it’s a pretty  nifty idea, and then it also lights up a little thing outside your door that says, “I’m home.”  There are also buttons you can push for ‘do not disturb’ and ‘make up room.’  Very high tech and fancy haha!

We had ordered water packages (three in total) as I have issues drinking tap water (makes me sick).  Turns out, the lemonade and other drinks were from cartons so I didn’t have to worry about getting sick and didn’t really need all that water we ordered.  I have a very sensitive tummy, and I did not get sick one time on board.  This was huge for me!  When you order in restaurants the staff always asks if you have a food allergy to worry about.  This was very nice, although not anything that pertains to us.

Before leaving, I read reviews saying that the food was bad.  Well, I disagree.  The food was really good and really plentiful.  The buffet was excellent-although could be very busy at times, it was sometimes hard to find a seat.  It was also hard to navigate on occasion, this was mostly do to the ‘Buffet Zombies’ I liked to call them.  These are people that are so fixated on their food that they are actually staring at their plates and eating off of them as they are surfing the buffet looking for more food.  It was fairly disgusting and aggravating, and I do not apologize for chucking a few dirty looks (even though they didn’t see them since they were staring at their food).  The food in the Savor and Taste, I do believe had the same menu-not 100% on that but it felt that way. The Manhattan was so nice and fancy I had to double check that it was complimentary. Haha!  I asked the waiter if we could come back or if we only got one chance.  He laughed and said, “you come back tomorrow.”  One of our waiters even did a few magic tricks for us-he was FABULOUS! 

They do push the sanitation on you, you will hear ‘Washy Washy’  as they squirt your hands with antibacterial stuff, some places also have sinks if you prefer to wash your hands the real way as I do. 

Our room was 15768.  This was fairly near the elevator so I was worried about noise.  Honestly, considering how many people were on board (we had a full ship) it wasn’t bad.  I did have my earplugs and slept like a baby.  Not sure I could have slept without them, as we are from the country and only hear owls, raccoons and coyotes at night.  I thought our bed was VERY comfortable, and slept better there than at home!  We had two older kids with us (the extra bed came out of the ceiling-the room steward comes and puts it down for you) and they both slept well also.  The balcony was PERFECT!  I would have liked a lower seated chair like an Adirondack because the railing was right at my eye level so I had to hunker down or stand to view things-and view things you do!  We saw tons of humpback whales, orcas, sea lions, mola mola and dolphins right from our balcony!  The room was far more spacious than I thought it would be with room for our luggage under the bed and lots of room for our toiletries in the bathroom.  Romel was our room steward and he was absolutely fantastic.  Always on the ball and was our super hero when we needed some laundry done ASAP after a dogsled mishap haha! 

The shower gets its very own paragraph.  My 16-year-old daughter was the first to take a shower.  My husband and I could only share a look of confusion as we heard her randomly giggle in there.  When she finally got out I asked her what was so funny.  She told me that I had to take my own shower to find out.  Haha!  Turns out, the shower is REALLY NICE.  I don’t want to spoil your surprise, so skip the rest of this paragraph if you like little surprises.  The shower head is detachable (which I love) and has different settings for rain, massage or rain and massage.  It also has little squirty things that squirt your legs and feet if you want.  We NEVER ran out of hot water and the water got nice and hot.  We are currently redoing our bathroom at home, and this is the kind of system we are going to get now haha!

The Observation Deck was fairly quiet the first day and a half.  Then, people started to realize it existed and then it was completely busy the whole time (unless you are like me and get up at 4 AM).  This is where having a balcony really came in handy.  Plus, viewing from the Observation Deck is nice, but it is not conducive to taking photos with the glare.  Also, if you are kind enough to share a fabulous whale sighting with those around you (fins slapping water and tail flukes) everyone will crowd around you and bounce your chair so your video doesn’t turn out.  It was really lovely in there, and the chairs were so comfortable.  I wish they had a few more of these decks spread around the ship as well as different seating though to seat more folks.  That would have made a huge difference. 

There is an aft viewing deck.  I cannot remember the name of it.  BUT little kids are not allowed there at certain times, which is AWESOME.  There was never anybody in it, probably because it was off the beaten path and looked exclusive.

 

Let us now talk about the different things to do on board.  You need to book these things as SOON AS YOU BOARD THE SHIP if you haven’t already booked them online (some you actually can’t book online).  Go to Deck 6 right away and book your shows or game things!!! We spoke to people who were bummed as they never got to book them!! Escape Room-we weren’t sure we wanted to do this but are so glad we gave it a try, it was a LOT of fun! Go Carts-these were pretty fun, and if I was a teenage boy I would have totally bought the unlimited pass and spent most of my time there!  Haha!  Laser Tag-I admit, I REALLY got into this.  My son is a Marine and my husband is a Soldier so I was very proud to hear my son say, “Mom, you really got tactical!”  Jergen and the rest of the staff were AMAZINGLY awesome.  They made sure we totally understood the guns so that we could have the best experience possible, and if I could have stayed for the rest of the trip, I may have done just that!  haha!  Havana I could have done without, my whole family went to that and my son refused to go to Jersey Boys after that but my daughter, the ever-dutiful daughter went with because she knew I’d love for her to go.  The three of us LOVED Jersey Boys!  There weren’t enough ping-pong tables.  A few families hogged them all the time so we didn’t even bother trying to play.  The pools were really small, one was warmish one was coolish-so everyone was piled into the warmish one.  The hot tubs were always full.  The water slides were VERY fun.  There is one you go down in tubes (either single or double and the DO WEIGH YOU).  The slide that launches you like a human torpedo has a minimum weight of 99 pounds (which my daughter literally JUST MADE).  I was PETRIFIED to do it as you stand there and the floor drops and  you fall down the slide, but I did try. I was wearing an old lady swim suit (I have upper thigh self confidence issues) and wound up getting stuck.  A little hatch opened up and a man was peering at me.  I asked, “Is it over?”  He said, “For you it is” hahahahaha!  OMG I had to walk the walk of shame as everyone was staring at me bahahah!  I ran (walked briskly since no running is allowed) right back up determined to do it all the way this time.  I was informed that my suit had too much friction-he promised it wasn’t my weight which was 124.  I tucked that bad boy up and went for round two.  Stuck again. Hahaha!  It was so much fun, but I was not meant to complete it.  My daughter had no issues. 

Some other random facts:

Empty chairs around the sundeck and pool area were scarce. There were loads of empty chairs always stacked up but not in use though, which I found a bit obnoxious. 

The arcade was for teens only.  Sad, because I am the air-hockey champion and I’d have loved to play! 

My husband got very seasick on a salmon fishing trip a few months prior to our cruise.  I was petrified he would be ill on the ship.  I bought wrist bands (you can get them in the medical aisle at Walmart) that are for nausea as well as Dramamine, and he did well.  He wore the bands the whole time and needed Dramamine the first day and the second to last day.  He got sleepy but not sick. YEAH!

Book  your excursions through the cruise ship-it is really organized if you do. They will have your tickets in your room when you get there (or give them to you if you buy them on board-but I suggest booking online before you leave as some sell out).  The tickets will have a meeting time and place on them and from there they direct you what to do.  DO NOT STRESS ABOUT THIS-it is very well organized and there are NOT huge swarms of people getting off the ship (EXCEPT IN VICTORIA-I will explain this later).  There are people holding sings with your excursion name out on the dock (or just after) and they take you where you need to go and bring you back.  This is a stress-free thing, so relax.

You really can dress up or down.  We are not dressy up people so that was fabulous.  People really dressed all over the board on the ship-you will feel comfortable with whatever you choose to wear. 

There were a decent amount of little kids-but not too bad.  Some of the ones there though REALLY screamed-amazing how one screaming kid can ruin over a hundred people’s afternoon.  Not sure why you would bring teeny kids on a cruise, but whatever.  There were a decent amount of teens, and honestly, I was expecting to see a lot of bad behavior but I didn’t.  Well done teenagers of the Bliss!  You get two thumbs up from me!

If you want a fun little sign on your door-make a fun magnet to bring with.  I’m so glad I thought to do that, we made up shirts and a sign for our door. 

You may want a lanyard and clear folder thing for your key card if you don’t typically have pockets and don’t want to wear a fanny pack or purse.  We didn’t, but lots of people did. 

I had written up an itinerary at home with the days we would be on board so I could keep it all organized.  They don’t write down your show times or anything, so you need to remember that. 

Bring a REAL watch-the kind you can manually set.  My phone and fitbit got wonky on the time due to being in airplane mode and we went through a time change so I it got confusing at times. 

Everyone had told me it was mostly warmish in Alaska at this time of year.  Ok, so it was pretty stinking cold-and raining.  Haha!  Luckily, our first stop was Ketchikan and they had loads of hoodies and jackets for REALLY CHEAP! 

When you go through the glacier area, be ready to see whales and amazing sights.  Park yourself where you can see so you don’t miss a thing!

Wi-fi- doesn’t always work in port for some reason, and even if you log out it doesn’t always think you logged out.  The woman running it was very accusatory when mentioning this.  I’m not an idiot and know to log out but she accused me of not doing so.  Probably the only rude person on the ship….but in her defense, she is bombarded with people that don’t understand technology so, I sort of can understand. 

Siglo (a band) and Phil (Elvis impersonator) were our favorite entertainers on the ship.  My daughter and I tried to see as much of Siglo as we could!

The gym was nice, my daughter used the treadmills-I would have liked some boxing equipment but I survived.

The track was in a strange location. Nobody respected the track lines and those poor runners were really dodging people. 

The elevators were always busy.  We used the stairs as much as possible, to allow for more room on them for those that needed them. 

Not much wildlife variation on the costal regions.  I was expecting to see moose, elk and other creatures and was amazed at the lack of animals.  It was very interesting and I loved learning about the costal region.

Our excursions:

Ketchikan:  (the town is RIGHT THERE by the dock) Canoe and Rainforest Hike-this was a very nice time.  Our guide was very knowledgeable and it was so fun learning so many things about the forest and the plants.  It was raining on us, they had lots of raingear and we had a blast even though it was pouring.

Juneau: (you need a shuttle to down) Helicopter and Dogsled.  This is a must do.  You go to Mattenhal Glacier, Shaynee was our musher and she actually raced her dogs in the Iditerod.  She was so sweet and gave us lots of really awesome information!  I was scared to get on the  helicopter, my first time, but it was really awesome! Random fact:  Dogs can poop whilst running, unlike horses. hahah!

Skagway:  (a decent walk to town, but totally doable) Bike, hike and float.  The bike ride takes you through a cemetery where you get lots of fun information.  I am SO GLAD we did this tour.  It was raining again, and they provided rain gear if you wanted it.  They don’t explain what you really do on the site, so I was leery.  You get to eat some berries (if they are in season) and learn so many fun facts about the area-I had no idea how cool Skagway was!  The hike was FANTASTIC!  Up a mountain and down to where you float down the river!  The river float was really nice too, as it gives you a nice chance to see eagle nests and take some photos from a different perspective.  Alyssa was very knowledgeable, I plied her with tons of questions and she was able to answer all of them!

Victoria:  If you ask me, this is a BS stop.  It is more of an ‘afterthought’ and I actually feel like it was a complete dud.  First of all, there is hardly any time, and second of all there are very few excursion because Victoria is pretty stupid.  We did the Buchart Gardens and Victoria tour.  WHAT A MESS.  A swarm of people all got off the ship at the same time doing the same excursion.  The bus was so packed that my family couldn’t sit together on the bus ride that never seemed to end.  LOTS of information from the tour guide, but it was BORING. Not his fault, he was great, it is just a boring place haha!  Seriously, it was like an hour and a half on this bus, with a very nice stranger and I just wanted it to end.  It ended in a very lovely garden, but by this time we were so annoyed that we just wanted to be back on the ship and looking for whales off our balcony.  If I had it to do over, we would have stayed on board for sure and just enjoyed the view or pool to ourselves. 

We went with the Port Vallet when leaving the ship. How wonderful that choice was.  They took our luggage the night before (so it is imperative you have a carryon for the items you will use in the morning), they give you your boarding passes and luggage tags for the plane, bring your luggage to the airport and give you stickers to wear so you can feel all fancy with your ‘Port Vallet’ sticker and then you can get off the ship at the earlier time (from 6:45 AM to 8 AM).  Once you get off, there is a desk that you can buy shuttle tickets to the airport-which was very painless.  We got right on a shuttle and were at the airport with plenty (too much time) for our 11:40 flight out.

Unicorn Party Square Border

This is the border to my Unicorn Party Square baby blanket I made.  Feel free to make your own border if you want, but this is just the basic instruction of what I did.  I did NOT get these directions tested, nor will they completely work for everyone's blanket depending on how you sew your squares together, but they are easy enough that you should be able to fudge your way through.  I wanted it to be pretty simple so that if our stitch counts are off you can wing it a little. :)

11.  Join with standing hdc in any ch 1 corner, (hdc, ch 2, hdc) in same corner, *skip hidden stitch, hdc in remaning sc, (2hdc, ch 2, 2hdc in corner); repeat from * around and join with sl st to first hdc, FO.

22.   Join with standing hdc in any stitch, skip hidden st and hdc in each hdc putting (2 hdc,       ch 2, 2 hdc) in each corner, FO

33.    Same as round 2

44.      Join with standing hdc in any corner sp, (hdc, ch 2, 2 hdc) in same corner sp, BPdc in each stitch around (including the hidden stitches), (hdc, ch 2, 2 hdc) in each corner, join with sl st to first stitch and FO

55.      Join with standing hdc in any ch 2 corner sp, (hdc, ch 2, hdc) in same sp, skip hidden st (skip next st, 2 hdc in next st) until you get to the corner sp, (2 hdc, ch 2 2 hdc) in corner sp; repeat from * around and join with a sl st to first st-omitting the last (2 hdc, ch 2, 2 hdc), FO.

66.      Join with standing hdc in any corner spae (hdc, ch 2, 2 hdc) in same sp, *(skip 2 hdc, 2 hdc in between hdc groups) around until you get to the corner space, (2 hdc, ch 2, 2 hdc) in corner sp; repeat from * omitting last (2 hdc, ch 2, 2 hdc) and join with sl st to first st, FO

77.  Same as round 2

8

88.      Same as round 2

9

99.      *Sl st in corner sp, ch 3, 3 dc in same sp, skip hidden stitch and next stitch (sl st, ch 3, 3 dc in next st, skip next 2 sts) until you get to the corner then repeat from * join with sl st to first st and FO

Driving Down My Highway Of Life

I have been deep in thought about parenting-both my fails and successes lately. I have been compiling a long list of my parental guidelines that I implemented over the years, mostly because my husband keeps telling me to write a book (as if anyone would care about anything I write! haha!). Now that the kids are older it is fun (sometimes) to reminisce about their youth and what they thought about it all.  As I write down something that I thought would be interesting to add to the book that will never come to pass I'll ask the kids what their thoughts and views are on the subject.

It was fitting that this popped into my memories today because it is the people of our past that make us who we are today. These can be positive or negative influences but they are influences nonetheless. It is how we deal with our past that truly makes us or breaks us. You can only control how you deal with situations-driving yourself to your own happily ever after, taking detours, small swerves, letting passengers in (kicking some out), and car repairs along the way.  As you drive down the highway of life you'll notice that the road you turned off of sometimes blurs into the distance.  It isn't that road of long ago you focus on, it is the one in front of you that demands your attention.  

This image is me on my wedding day.  I wore my grandmother's dress.  My mother wore it before me.  My grandmother died of breast cancer when I was still in high school.  I can still remember the tears squeezing out of my eyes in study hall when I was left alone to my thoughts.  She was only at my wedding in spirit, and I sure hope she is smiling down on me.  I almost didn't wear her dress, since it did not bring my mother's marriage very much luck.  I almost felt it was cursed, but I decided to take the risk..it was about that time in my life when I finally hopped into my driver's seat of my own life and I haven't looked back since.  It is such a freeing feeling, to know you have control over your own life.  The flowers (and other adornments) I wear in my hear every day represent that freedom.  I know people look at me funny when I wear that crap on my head in public.  They make ME happy, and I'm driving damnit!  

My Haunted Hangout

A few years ago, I was sitting in the room where we watch TV along with my rescue dog, Lola.  It is our hangout room and we spend most of our time there when we are in the house.  Lola jumped up from her bed, where she had been soundly sleeping, and sat in the middle of the room and stared at the wall.  She would wag her tail occasionally, but for the most part she just sat still and stared.  After a few minutes it started getting creepy, so I tried to get her attention.  She would not break her stare on the wall.  It was as if she didn't even hear me calling out to her.  I called louder and louder and she still didn't move.  I finally grabbed her and ran out of the room.

Since that day, Lola will not leave that room unless I tell her it is OK.  She stops at the edge of the room and waits patiently until someone coaxes her out telling her she can leave.  We jokingly say, "The ghosts are keeping her in the room,"  but it isn't really a joke, because we really believe the ghosts are keeping her in the room.

As if the ghosts in the room weren't enough I went and bought a haunted painting.  It was so pretty at the vintage store...and it spoke to me.  I couldn't leave it there.  I don't typically do a lot of 'frivolous shopping' but something told me I had to buy this painting.  So I did.  After my hubby hung it in the  haunted room, we realized it was haunted.

Hubby was watching TV underneath the haunted painting.  It is a very large painting, and heavy too. Unbeknownst to him, the painting slid down the wall and landed right beneath his head-AND HE DIDN'T EVEN NOTICE.  When I came in the room I asked him why on EARTH he left the painting laying precariously on the back of the couch like that-he turned around and was completely baffled how it could have happened without him knowing!  The strangest part of this is that my husband has no recollection of this.  My daughter and I cannot understand how he cannot remember as we discussed it at great length afterwards.

More recently I heard, what I thought, was my daughter talking on the phone from that room.  I ignored it and went on with my day.  She had been watching TV at the time in there.  She came out and said she had heard a noise, like the door closing, but the dog was in her bed and the door hadn't moved.  She sat back down, and as she watched TV again she felt cold slipping all over her.  She had to use three blankets and was still cold. 

I swear we aren't scared of this room at all.  Nothing has caused us to feel fear, quite the opposite.  I talk to them sometimes and tell them to go away or to please stop sometimes, but nothing feels frightening. Heck, I swear they helped guide my crochet hook with my latest pattern, A Haunted Hook:  Tessellating Stained Glass Afghan! 

The Worms Crawl In, The Worms Crawl Out: They Take Your Joy and Spit It Out.

I touched on this in my last blog post, I felt I needed to get all my thoughts on this topic out, as sometimes writing is the only way I can rid myself of things that float in my brain.  

I always knew how words can hurt.  I've been hurt by them many times in my life.  But I have come to feel that one small voice that is negative and or cruel  is like a black imaginary worm digging and weaving its way through your soul, brain and heart.  Even when you are desperately trying to stop the worm, telling it to go away and that it has no power because it is not real and does not belong to you-it is inside you becoming a part of you.  That is the way I can best describe the way these hurtful things make me feel.  Even someone that has a great support system and many more voices of encouragement and joy still feels the effect of these worms because the good words don't get inside your soul like the worms...those are just teeny tiny plugs, they can only fill the holes, and it may take hundreds of these kind words to fill up the holes of one nasty worm.


I live my life in such a way that I am happiest when I am making others happy. Maybe this is why words hurt me so much?  I am so envious of those that don't seem affected by negativity or criticism.  I have a hard time imagining how someone would take time out of their lives to make someone else feel like dirt.

When I was in Junior High I had a mean girl walk up to me as I was sitting at a desk.  She was just someone in my class, we'd never had any conversations or interactions.  She walked up to me and whispered in my ear, "We must...we must increase our bust..."  she continued with the whole song nice and quite and slow.  It was the epitome of meanness. There was nobody egging her on.  She wasn't recording it (this was long before cellphones haha!).  She just did it to be mean to me personally.  No witnesses except her and I.   That was so many years ago and I can still feel her breath in my ear.  I can feel the tears stinging my eyes.  I can see the rest of the class completely oblivious to what was going on.  It wasn't the words she said.  Lord knows I knew I was flat chested.  I also had a giant scar running down my chest from my open heart surgery just a few months before.  What really hurt was that this evil was in my world.

People ask me all the time why I crochet.  The simple answer is that it makes me happy.  Well, it is more than that.  My yarn and hook don't hurt me.  They only bring me joy, and I love it when they bring joy to others as well.  I'm filling wormholes ya'll.  I don't know if there is enough yarn in the world to fill my wormholes but I'm trying.  I'm really really trying.  Sometimes though, it just seems that there is never enough yarn.  I share my yarning world with the world because I hope it brings people happiness, not because I want to be famous or known. I much prefer to be a nobody-there is far less stress that way.  I am not a strong person.  I really am not.  How can someone be strong when their heart and soul is full of wormholes?

I can only continue to live my life throwing out as many compliments as I can.  A compliment is such an easy thing, and makes the giver just as happy as the receiver.  At least it should.

A Haunted Hook: Tessellating Stained Glass Afghan

I have long struggled with religion in my life.  When I was younger
we went to church, just a regular little church-I was baptized,
confirmed and all that jazz. Our pastor wasn’t a very nice man-
he wasn’t mean either, but I always had a weird vibe from
him, like he would prefer I not be
there so I guess I always had a sour taste in my mouth
when it came to religion after that.  

I went through periods in my life when I was in some very dark
places and I knew that
there could not be a God.  Throughout the years I’d eventually
morphed into thinking,
“if there is there is if there isn’t there isn’t and any God I
believe in understands why
I don’t believe.”

One day, I had the opportunity to see two mediums that
worked in tandem.  It was through a friend of a friend and none
of the people attending knew
anything about me, so I felt this was the perfect opportunity to prove to
myself, once and for all, that all of this ‘otherworldly’ stuff was just nonsense.  
I can only say that my life changed forever that day. I definitely believe there
is another place for us to go when we leave these shells we call bodies. The
things these guys knew about me was beyond any explanation. They knew
things that nobody outside my family knew, and they even knew things
that I did not know at the time-I had to get verification from family once
I got home.  I know that sounds crazy, just as I always thought others sounded
crazy when they would say things like that. I gave them no clues or hints,
no body gestures or words. I only sat there and shook my head.

For weeks after that I could not shower without my bathing suit on.  I would tell the
spirits to leave the bathroom because I was convinced they are all around us all
of the time.  A great take away from that day was that we were informed
that when you dream about a loved one that really is them communicating with you
because our minds are more open to that when we are asleep.  

Ever since that day, probably ten years ago now, I’ve struggled with wanting to go to church, but not being
brave enough to step foot into one.  I am not sure why I am so hesitant and scared but I am. I do know that
I love the old-fashioned churches and their stained glass, I love the old school hymns, and the feel of the
hymnal.  I love hearing everyone sing along, even though not all the voices hit the right notes, to me, that is
peace.

I’ve always wanted to design a stained-glass style afghan.  I wanted to make it unique without being too
complicated. Ever since I started designing my own patterns, that has always been my ultimate goal, but
I was never really confident enough to even try.  I had it in my mind for so long that I just thought it would
always just be there with me, never really coming to fruition. One day, as I was waking up from a night’s
sleep, I was jolted with a vision of exactly how I wanted my stained-glass afghan to look.  It was in my head
as if it had always been there. It felt like a familiar friend. I didn’t even sketch it out, I just went about my
morning, went to boxing, took a shower, took my daughter to school, and then did my chores. All the while,
this afghan was still brightly shining in my mind.  Not like one of those dreams you have that seem so vivid
that you know you will never forget it, but then about five minutes after starting your day you can’t even
remember what you dreamt. I decided to let it play out. I sat down with my hook and yarn and this afghan
happened. I’ve never had a pattern come to me with such ease.  I am sure someone was helping me, although
I don’t know who it is. I can only hope that someday, I will find out who was guiding my mind and fingers and
that I can give them a big hug. I know that my house is haunted, well just one room is, we all can feel it, and
have seen evidence of it, of course that is the room I crochet it, so I wonder if it is the spirit of that room that
has helped me or maybe one of my own guiding spirits.  

I feel this afghan brings me just a little step closer to church.  I really hope that one day I can overcome my
fears and walk into that little church that is not too far from my house and just sit down on the pew, feel the
hymnal, and be at peace.   

The photographs I took of this afghan are supposed to represent the feeling of life after death….I’ve been
attempting to explain why I chose to use such morbidity to those that ask me, “WHY?”.  We all die.
That is one fact you can count on in life...that it will end. Maybe it will end badly and maybe it will end peacefully. However, I do believe that no matter how it ends, we are all going to a better place. What you do with your life whilst it exists is where we can go right or wrong and make differences-good or bad. I wanted to take some eye-catching photos, to prove to myself I could do it when I realized I couldn’t afford
a real photographer who could.  These images were taken by my 16 year old daughter who listened attentively
to my vision, applied her own artistic eye (and even applied my makeup) and then took the most stunning
photos even I could not have imagined. We had a fabulous time together in the woods with that camera,
our props and this lovely afghan. Of course, we both  love murder shows-I love to crochet in my
haunted room while watching Snapped. When our little photo shoot was over, I traipsed through
the woods with her and we practiced throwing knives. Because, after all, what else is a
girl to do when covered in leaves, fake blood, a black lacy dress and is
wearing the most fabulous hat in the world?

Link to my newest pattern

A Haunted Hook: Tessellating Stained Glass Afghan

footnote:  My joy in publishing this pattern has been crushed by the fact that these images have offended a few people.  I am deeply saddened by this fact, and part of me wants to remove them all but the other part of me is saying to hold firm to my vision and be strong.  I know not all art is for everyone, but my soul, joyous only a few hours before, is now clouded in sadness, confusion and indecision.  I apologize is you are offended, however, at this time, I am going to hold firm to my and my precious daughter's vision.  No ill intent was meant, quite the opposite, and because of that fact alone I am trying very hard to stand firm. 

I'd also like to add that my grammy, the one that taught me to crochet, HATES gore, sad movies and anything morbid.  So much so that she she stopped watching movies after the movie Billy Bud came out.  She said she hated that sad ending so much that she has never seen another movie that she thinks could possibly be sad, scary or gory since that one.  I have no idea how old that movie is, but I have only, in my life, seen her watch three movies in my life:  Sound of Music, The Music Man and The Wizard Of Oz.  Grammy loved my photos, and if she approves, then I can try to be at peace.  I'm just really fighting the urge to take down this pattern and all traces of it.  Now, personally, I think those flying monkeys are TERRIFYING-more so than a little blood on a hand, but I did some make up for a middle school play with flying monkeys so they can't be THAT bad, can they? ;)

Update:  One day after the initial publication and reactions.  All I can say is that I am deeply humbled and grateful for everyone that has extended their support to me and my daughter's work.  I am no sure how I can make you understand how truly uplifting it is to be a part of a community where people I never knew reach out to make sure that we keep our heads high, our spirits soaring and our faith in humanity in tact.  Truly.  I am completely flabbergasted that this silly old pattern and a low budget photo shoot has made me reflect upon so many things in such a short period of time.  I always knew how words can hurt...Even if it is only one small voice-that one little voice of criticism (or whatever it may be) is like a black imaginary worm digging its way through your soul, your brain and your heart.  Even when you are trying desperately to stop the worm, telling it to go away and telling the worm it has no power because it is not real and does not belong to you it still becomes a part of you.  That is the way I can best describe it. With everyone's support I have begun filling the worm holes and have found peace with this situation. When I was in junior high a very mean girl came up to me.  She whispered in my ear, "We must...we must...we must increase our bust.." she continued that terrible song into my ear.  It was such an act of pure meanness-I mean she wasn't doing it for anyone egging her on, no one else knew what she was doing except her and me.  What a terrible thing to do to someone.  She will always be inside my brain, that mean girl...I'm just so so happy that I have so many other happy thoughts to fill her worm holes.  I hope everyone in this world is able to also find ways to plug their worm holes....

I'm stumbling across comments on other public forums regarding me as being an 'offensive chick.'  I've also been told that I should just write murder stories.  Clearly, they only took the time to judge and not enlighten.  To those that I will never please I say nothing, as I have already apologized to those that do not like my photos and I'm pretty sure that there is nothing I can say to make them realize that this was meant to be a beautiful thing.   I have since deleted many of my photographs, and can only hope that these people that don't know what they are throwing rocks at find peace in their own lives to not worry about what other people are doing.