This is a supplement to my previous blog post-almost exactly a year ago, "The Light Shines Through." You may want to go read that first if you care to have any sort of background story....
The last few months I knew something was broiling...Usually, my mother calls me once every other weekend. It is our thing. My whole life, I can expect my every other weekend phone call where I get to hear all about her troubles and she learns nothing about me...But every so often, she plays a game...It is called, "Let's not call Shawn and see if she calls me." I do love games. Monopoly, Scrabble, Scategories, Taboo, you name it I love it. But I don't love people games. They aren't cool. I don't play her game. I don't give in...I don't call her. I suppose I could...but the fact of the matter is I don't want to. I suppose I am playing my own game. I'm playing the, "You left me when I was little and never gave a care about me and the only way you show me you care is calling every other weekend so I'm going to hold you to it." Childish and stupid...but ya, these are my hurt little kid feelings at it again.
Let's back up a few months....I did bite the bullet and invited my mother to come to see my son before he left for boot camp. She declined. It was very hard for me to work up the courage to ask her after all that recent drama (previous blog post). I'm still sucking down that bitter pill when I found out that yet again this lady is going to visit her family in another state (6 hours from mine) in a few months. I was 'informed' that that is when she was going. I was not consulted...had I been, I'd have been able to say that the month that she chose to go is the month my daughter is in Driver's Ed and I cannot leave. But I wasn't consulted....Why? Because she does not care if she sees me....Because of this I am done. I am done done done done done. I cannot say it enough. If I saw her on the street I'd turn around and walk the other way. She is nothing to me. I refuse to allow her to inflict this pain on me again.
The little girl inside me, the one who only wanted to die throughout her entire High School life, the one that only wanted her mother's love is really really sad...she is sobbing hysterically...but the big girl I am is so very very proud of me. I am proud that I overcame the monster that is my mother and became what I wanted...a mom. MOM. I am MOM. I will be GRANDMA! I will be all that she never was, and I am proud of me! In SPITE of her, never because of her.
This is me...clicking my heels and skipping away....whistling softly in the sunshine.