Finding My Way: On My Own

I have struggled my entire life, trying to find my own way.  I struggled with religion, never feeling at peace with it.  I have always lived my life trying to be the best me I can be, and have always felt that was good enough.  I try to always let good motivations guide me.  I am always mindful of other people's feelings and do my best to not just do no harm but to also help, even if it is just with words when I can.  I always seek out knowledge, I love fun facts and learning as much about everything as I can.  I adore nature, all things in nature intrigue me, from the lowliest of bugs to the mightiest of beasts-they all are a part of my soul.  I always look for the good in every situation and try to not dwell on the past.  I always look to how I can avoid mistakes of the past, but look to the here and now for how I can, today, at this moment, be the best me I can be. I do not like to drink alcohol because I do not like being not in control of myself.

I never understood religion.  Why must we learn so many off-the wall stories to be good people?  Why must we be told we are sinners?  I never went to a church that made me feel happy inside.  I am very happy that others find joy and happiness in their religions, but I never had that.  I love that there is a place people can go to to find the way to a path of kindness, forgiveness and love.  I truly feel this way, I am very happy that people can find their peace in any way that they can, but it is not for me.  It never has been, and my soul was always a little restless because of this.

I recently begun taking a yoga class.    I box every day Monday-Friday at 5 AM and Yoga is a great supplement to my workouts.  Our instructor always says the same thing when we are done, "Peace to all beings, with no exception."  I thought this was so beautiful.  I loved that small little statement. I loved it so much that I decided to look it up.  I then started diving into an internet hole.  I found a page describing Buddhism and I found myself completely overwhelmed with emotion.  I felt like the entire page was describing me.  My entire life and feelings were all written out there in this philosophy.  I feel like my soul has completely been set free.  I feel at such a peace knowing that I am not the only person who feels this way on the planet.  I am very disappointed in my friends and family who have watched me struggle with religion, however.  I feel like someone should have told me that all of my views and beliefs were shared with many others and that I do have a place in this world. 

I am not changed by this knowledge, only enlightened.  I feel like I can now grow and really expound on my beliefs now that they are validated.  I do not need to look for something that does not exist for me.  My path is my own and I am finding my way on it with a joyous soul and a free spirit.  I have no great cosmic point to this blog post, this is just me trying to get my feelings and emotions down as they are still in my mind during this pivotal stage in my life.

I am currently in the process of designing an afghan, and it has been really neat having this project here with me as I have made these revelations about myself. Are they really revelations though, as they are really who I always have been?  Maybe, rather, it is just an enlightenment or awareness, but whatever you want to call it, I am happy, I am free, I am at peace.