Stumbling Through Healthy Eating.

I belong to an AMAZING boxing gym.  I have been going there for about 3.5 years and have faithfully showed up every day at 5 AM Monday-Friday (with a few exceptions like when I was an election judge, when I injured myself in a bad fall on ice and the Covid Lockdown).  Every year they host a little 20 day clean eating challenge.  I never wanted to participate because I have so many bowl issues (was diagnosed with IBS-but that really just means no diagnosis) so I am always scared to upset the apple cart.  Fruits and veggies really usually used to set me off so bad that I have been avoiding them like the plague-there are a FEW I know I can tolerate but everything else was taboo.  That was always sad for me because I LOVE fruits and veggies.   Anyhow, I was terrified to try this shock to my system, thinkin that I would wind up on the toilet every few minutes-as I also avoided whole grains and fibery things for that same reason.

I am the person that scoffs at vegetarians, rolls my eyes at vegans and has 7 four pound tubs of Jelly Bellies in her cabinet. Keep in mind that I am the ONLY person in my house that eats Jelly Bellies, so yeah, I'm pretty serious about not being serious about my diet. I do eat in moderation and try to be 'sort of' healthy, but never actively took a big leap into a VERY healthy diet.

I was deep in thought about this whole prospect of eating healthy and thinking of all the things I didn't want to give up. Sugars and dairy are on the list of NO WAY JOSE for this challenge. Then I started remembering back to grade school. A nurse at a cheapo school physical told me that I couldn't participate in any sports or activities until I saw a heart specialist. I went to many docs and specialists, and one of the stock questions is, "do you feel tired or winded with activity." Eleven year old me said, "No." BUTTTT I wound up having heart surgery that summer and after I was fixed up I realized that I WAS tired and winded after activity. I could now walk to my Grammy's house (only a block away) without being tired! I could run faster than ever and for a LONG time! MY BIKE became a fun thing-WARP SPEED!! So how does this relate to healthy eating? Well, I feel fine, I don't feel like I need a diet change because things are fine, I have no real complaints. BUT how do I know if I am feeling my very best if I don't even TRY to feed my body the actual fuel it actually needs instead of all the nonsense it doesn't?

So after all this deep contemplation I decided to leap into this. Now, if you know me, you know I am an 'ALL OR NOTHING' kind of girl and I am my own biggest competition. The first day was REALLY HARD. Not gonna lie. I kept walking past the counter that had all of the leftover Christmas candies, cakes and cookies. It would be so easy to just snag one...just one...so what? So, I did the same thing I did when I quit smoking-I forced a smile and told myself, 'THIS IS GOOD FOR YOU.' Eventually, that smile does become real and not so Jokeresque. I also didn't start the challenge on a good foot because I didn't plan and go shopping ahead of time for this, so I was limited to what we had in the house-which was all crap. IT'S ALL CRAP. EVERYTHING. Read the labels, everything has sugar or enriched something or other. So, off to the store I went.

I mentally prepared myself to need to make a few different store stops.  I had found two recipes I wanted to try online, and was determined to find all these bazaar things I'd never eaten or cooked with before.  So, I was so thrilled to realize I could find all the things I needed at ALDI.  I had been so MAD when ALDI started wasting shelf space on this weirdo alien food crap!  So many of the items that were packaged as 'healthy' though, really were not. Sugar is in so many things that you don't even think about.  

Breakfast was weird for me that first workout day after the challenge began. I ALWAYS have a bowl of cereal and almond milk before the 5 am workout. That day, it was banana and almond milk. I survived, really wasn't as bad as I thought it would be. Funny, how our minds trick us into thinking we know something we don't.

I feel our "public school gym" education needs to focus on healthy eating just as much as the rest. Goodness, cup stacking is an actual unit in gym in Minooka. My poor daughter joined the Minooka schools in 4th grade and felt so inadequate because her cup stacking skills couldn't compare....

not one word about what those cups should be filled with for good nutrition though. These foods should not be alien, they should be instinctual.

My first attempt at a WFPB recipe:

https://www.karissasvegankitchen.com/carrot-cake-baked.../

A little goes a long way, and this will last me a few days. I can pop a little in the microwave before a workout, and I had some this morning. IT WAS WONDERFUL and it stayed with me, very very satisfying.

I should also mention that I am not doing this challenge to lose weight-although that is happening. So far-day 5 I have lost 2.5 pounds. I am doing this challenge to see how I feel by eating good things. I am trying to train my mind, body and soul that food is only a fuel and my body is my vehicle that carries me around. I'd love to be transported in this beautiful world for as long as possible so it is time I start selecting the pump that will be best long term.

And, for every win we have a fail-This is my review for Fit and Active flatbread original whole wheat wrap thingies. 

Day 5:

I made some Healthy Granola today , was so yummy and will be nice to keep so I have a quick and easy snack!

Homemade Granola....I feel it tastes sweet enough, but idk what the rest of the fam thinks yet.

I went to Costco, thank GAWD our new one is open, it is so convenient having it close!  Found some fun goodies that work with my challenge.

 

What I did:

3 c. Rolled oats

1/2 c. Chopped pecans

1/2 c. Raisins

2 TBS 100% maple syrup

Flax egg (1 TBS ground flax and 3 TBS water-soak 10 mins)

Mix all that crap up and chuck into a 325 oven for 30 mins or till golden, 

toss halfway through.

Day 6

Today has been tough as my bowels are finally rebelling. I really want to stick it out though, just to see if there is a light at the end of the storm.  

I made this nice little veggie dish.  It is a great lunch or snack, made a bunch so I can save for later!

Potatoes, cubed

Butternut squash, cubed

Mushrooms, sliced

Zucchini, cubed

Green pepper, cut up

Put potatoes on trayblined with parchment paper, salt and pepper.  

Toss the rest with salt, pepper, paprika, garlic powder, and onion powder. Put in dish lined with parchment paper.  Stir halfway through.

Chuck it in a 425 oven till done (about 35 minutes) keeping potatoes separate makes them less mushy.

Day 7:

Yesterday was rough, not gonna lie.  I had serious bowel issues and instead of giving up, I soldiered on. I had a banana and instantly started feeling better, and it stopped the other ibs issue.  I also had some peppermint tea and that really helped. 

Today's lunch wss delicious, and great for my soul!

Faux Civeche

Tuna (canned in water do not drain)

Tomatoes

Cilantro

Onions

Lime

Salt

Normally,  you would eat this on a tostada but I tried romain. I was prepared for disappointment, but honestly, the crunch of the romain worked into giving me that fun feel! 

Side was sliced mini cukes with lime and salt.

Day 8

Last night I fed my family poison. Well, not really poison, but a meal we would typically eat on a fairly regular basis because it is cheap, easy and my daughter loves it.  Spaghetti.   Complete with bad noodles.  I was hoping I could taste the sauce just a little, but it had added sugar, so I didn't even lick a finger drop.  Garlic bread made with butter, garlic sprinkle and parmesean cheese.  I made myself some eggs and heated up my yummy veggies.  Both my hubby amd my daughter were kind and did not make any snide comments.  

Later that evening, as we were watching The Boys on Prime, I heard, "crinkle crinkle" and saw my hubby trying to 'hide-eat' one of my favorite candy bars-a 100,000 grand bar. Should be called a 100,000 grams of sugar bar 🤣🤣🤣 this is my not so sneaky hubby in the act! 

In closing, yesterday was a great day. My bowels behaved, I felt accomplished, and I had no regrets.  I only feel proud, enlightened and empowered.

Dinner tonight for me was hamburger with romaine instead of buns.  So, I'm a bread girl. I thought I would be so sad to not have the bread. Honestly, I may have liked the flavor more! But I could just be over sensitive with my tasebuds from eating all this good for you foods. 🤷‍♀️  My husband took a photo of me trying to eat it, NOT AN EASY TASK as thw burger slips and slides and the toppings explode out.  Now, in my defense of this awful image, I thought he was taking a selfie of him and Noodle (who is not our cat-he does not know this and Noodle is not his name something else Noodle does not know), who was behind him in the window 🤣🤣🤣🤦‍♀️ so this was obviously not posed 🤣🤣🤣

#noodlethecat

Day 9

They look like diarrhea~my husband, as he ate the third one.

Healthy cookies.  Only 4 ingredients.  There are loads of recipes out there for simple healthy cookies. This one used quick oats blended to powder (a key ingredient in my FAV chocolate chip cookies I make at Christmas) so I wanted to try them.   Surprisingly delicious and satisfying when you feel like you just need something YUM.  I cannot share this recipe, as it is a secret recipe shared to me my my amazing boxing gym,  K-Fit Minooka, who is hosting this challenge.  The main thing is to just find a recipe that looks promising and just jump in!  This is a very close recipe to what I used

 https://runningonrealfood.com/flourless-peanut-butter-banana-oatmeal-cookies/

A Tale Of Two Dinners

Since I am the only one on this challenge, I know my family will not be thrilled with some of my menu choices.  So, instead of just making the taco meat the healthy way and pretending it was the same and listening to complaining, I just made two meals. 🤦‍♀️  tacos for them and taco salad for me.

Taco Salad

Meat:

1 lb ground turkey

2 cloves garlic 

1 15.5 oz can black beans, drained and rinsed

1 T. Chili powder 

1/4 tsp cayenne 

1/2 c. Water

Dressing:

4 tomatoes diced (with juices)

2 T. lime juice

1/2 tsp salt

1/4 tsp pepper 

salad:  romain, chopped

Make dressing ahead of time and chill.

Brown meat, drain, add garlic and beans, cook 2 mins, add remaining meat ingredients and cook till water is mostly absorbed.

Day 10-the halfway mark!!

So, I made it over the hump of bad bowels and feeling like I am underwater...I currebtly am really feeling fantastic! 

I have discovered that my main issues with eating "poison" foods is that I HATE cooking, and am a lazy cook.  I am reprogramming my brain to plan ahead, make things ahead of time so I can grab and go as well as making shopping easy by planning ahead.

I really loved that carrot cake oatmeal, and finished it all up.  It lasted a LONG time and I had it every morning upon waking up. This time, when I made a new batch, I also added 1/4 tsp ground cloves to it and it is the BOMB. 

Those banana peanut butter cookies are coming in clutch, a great and satisfying snack after a meal for that "finisher."

Tomorrow I will be making this recipe:  

http://www.eatingwell.com/recipe/276347/chickpea-potato-curry/

I added some avacado to my leftover taco salad from yesterday, as my big Costco avocado purchase is finally ripe.   YUM. Today is just all leftovers, as I also have some civeche left over.  

Day 11

I wanted to mention my weight.   I am not participating in this challenge to lose weight, as I mentioned before, but I AM losing some.  I started at 122.6 pounds and am down to 119.0.  Since I started going to the gym Mon-Fri at 5 AM for the boxing/circut over 3 years ago, my weight has been fluctuating between 118-126. I know I have more muscle than before, and my body has craved food like never before.  For me, these are REALLY high numbers, so I really don't look at the numbers as much as how I look and how my clothes feel.  

I know you cannot putwork a bad diet, but working out does make one have a little sense of food freedom, "well, I worked out so I can have *insert bad food here."  This challenge has made me realize I can put good fuel into my body, enjoy it, and reap the rewards. The longer I go the less I think about what I am "missing."  Rather, I have gained so much-and it sure isn't pounds 🤣🤣🤣🙈

Tonight's meal is curry, potatoes chickpeas and brown rice.   We shall see if the girl child eats any of it. 🤣🤣

My first time making brown rice,  and any sort of Indian food, if that's what this is 🤣🤣🤣  I am cullinarilally inept.  It is delicious, although odiferous!!  My daughter refused to trybit because she said it smelled so gross.  She hasn't come downstairs, unless her face is hidden in her shirt. 🤣🤣🤣🤦‍♀️

Day 12

Today I made another batch of cookies.  This time, I added in unsweetened coconut flakes, raisins, and cinnamon.   Yyyuuuummmmm.  I made another batch of tjat breakfast hash because it is such an easy, delicious and good for you snack.  Also, I made another batch of granola yesterday and added the unsweetened coconut flakes to that also, delish! The scale said 118.4 today, so down some more weight!! Woot woot! 

Side note:  my house smelled. SOOooooo bad.  After dinner last nigjt, I even still smelled it this morning.   3 candles solved that problem before the girl child could wake up and complain that the house still stunk.

 Day 13

Nachos with no cheese and some guac! Still doing great on this journey! 

Day 14

I am down almost 5 pounds, that is HUGE and the best part is, it has been EASY and I feel great!  Tonight we are having grilled chicken breasts (seasoned with slap ya mama Cajun)with brown rice and veggies.  Easy and a family pleaser 

Day 16

With hubby on his 12 hour shifts these days, the need to cook is not there, we still have tons of left overs.  Today I felt the need for more, first time since starting,  so I treated myself to a green smoothie.  I used this recipe https://www.cleaneatingkitchen.com/celery-cucumber-green-juice/

Day 17

Cabbage Roll Slop

Idk what else to call it. I had a bunch of random almost leftovers, and the girl child isn't eating here tonight so here is what I did:

 

1 lb. Ground beef

1 can diced petite tomatoes (with juices)

1 tsp salt

1/4 tsp pepper 

1 small onion, chopped

2 tsp coconut oil

1/2 head of cabbage cut into biggish chunks

Spinach (idk how much, maybe 3 cups but it dissappears anyway hahah)

2 cups cooked brown rice

Brown beef, drain, put in a bowl.

Use 1 tsp coconut oil to just brown onions, set aside with beef.

Use remaining 1 tsp coconut oil to brown cabbage till wilty.

Now chuck everything in the pan and let it heat up.  Freaking delish!

Day 18

I only have two more days of this, and today I went shopping.  Inhad a choice to make, plan on eating unhealthy after this challenge or keep it up. I could plan on making a great fatting yummy dinner to celebrate my achievement or I could plan on making a healthy yummy dinner to celebrate my life.  I made the smart choices all over the store. I planned a meal for tomorrow-zucchini stuffed burritos.  And then I saw saurkraut...and bought some. 🤣🤣🤣🤦‍♀️ idk why I wanted it, but I did. The first time I ever snacked on plain kraut, and I liked it.  I also made scrambled eggs with a side of avacado, omg yum!!!

I also bought some frozen berries for a fruit smoothie.   Gonna use one cup of berries, one banana,  and one cupbof almond milk in nutribullet.

The smoothie is a win!

During this all I have been boxing at 5 am and yoga at 5 pm. 

Day 19

From facebook:  Totally feel weird sharing this, but I figured I would. Most people never feel ok with themselves, so I will suck it up and just put it out there. Tomorrow the challenge is officially over, but I did my after pics today because I happened to have the time. 

Over these 19 days I have lost 5.2 pounds.  I mentioned in the beginning that I wasn't doing this to lose weight, I wanted to just see what would happen if I fed my body properly. I feel like I have had great results doing this, mentally and physically.  I will now stop posting about this crap on facebook, as I am sure y'all are sick of it. I will, however, continue updating my blog as I find more yummy recipes and information as I move forward. 

Again, I want to stress that I am not looking at this as a "diet" in the traditional sense. I have decided to make far more mindful decisions about what I am feeding my body.  After the initial shock of reading labels and realizing how much crap is in our normal everyday foods it became a lot easier to make smart decisions.

Today we have a little road trip. I made a batch of those yummy healtjy cookies and granola to bring with. Will also bring some fruit so we can eat smart and easy.

My lunch went well. We stopped at Culver's and I didn't order anything.  I was mostly worried my husband and daughter would harass me about it, but they didn't make a single comment. Smelling it was rough, as Culver's is my FAV. But I remained strong and didn't even have one fry. 

Made it home from our road trip, I was a little hungry so I made an omelet with a side of kraut! 🤣🤣

Day 20

Well, I made another batch of my carrotcake oatmeal.  This is significant  because the challenge is over and I still have my sugary cereals in the cabinets. I am making the conscious decision to feed my body properly and with intention.

I went out to lunch with my kiddos today.  The first time in a long time since everything was shut down and our governor finally lifted that ban.  I had a burger, but I ordered it without the bun.  This is something I would never have done in the past.  But, I am glad I did.  Honestly, the bread doesn't add flavor, just soaks up the slop.  I have no regrets and I made smart choices.  I did have fries, but that was my little allowance.   I ADORE fries, choose restaurants based solely on their fries 🤣🤣🤣.  

The journey continues:

Tonight I made Zucchini Burrito Boats. Inused an online recipe, but modified it so much it is just easier to rewrite the whole thing than say what I did different.

3 Zucchini halved, lenghtwise

1T olive oil 

1T coconut oil 

Salt and pepper

1/2 onion chopped

2 cloves garlic, minced

1 pound ground beef, browned and drained

1 tsp chile powder

1 tsp cumin

1/2 tsp paprika 

2 tomatoes, diced

1 cup corn (frozen or canned drained)

Cheddar cheese (if desired, I didn't on mine but my hubby had it on his and he loved it)

Garnish: 

Avacado

Cilantro

Oven 350

Scoop guts of Zucchinis and set aside. Place cut side up on parchment paper lined cookie sheet, drizzle oil over them and season with salt and pepper.  Bake till almost temder, anout 10 minutes.

While Zucchini cook, add coconut oil to pan, cook till soft the onions, garlic, and Zucchini guts.  Add seasonings, meat tomoates and corn and simmer till hot. Once zuccini halves are done, spoon mixture onto the Zucchini boats and sprinkle with cheese if desired. Bake for 10-15 mins  

Top with avacado and cilantro

Day 22

I made these two things today

https://simple-veganista.com/vegan-potato-leek-soup/

https://spartanlifeblog.com/easy-whole-wheat-bread/

The soup is very unappealing looking but I thought it was delish.  It gives you a creamy soup feel without any dairy. Husband did NOT like it. We both loved the bread.

Day 27

Sorry, has been a while, but I am still being very mindful of my food. Tried this recipe.   I don't love it and I don't hate it.  Probably won't make it again though. 

 Day 30

We went out to dinner last night. I was a little splurgy and had cheese enchiladas, rice, tampequena and beans. I only had a very small portion of it, so I feel good about it.

I have been doing really well, following this new plan and can count the amount of "cheats" on one hand.   I find that I love feeling great and how I look without the extra fluff. 

Feb 5th

I bought these dried mangoes (and zero added anything ingredients:  mangoes)at Costco yesterday. Absolutely delicious and are like eating candy. Today, I hit my weight goal. I am enjoying this so very much. I feel great, I feel I look great (as far as weight goes anyhow) and I will keep on being smart with my body.

Feb 6

Brown rice seasoned with only everything but the bagel seasoning. Chicken breasts premarinated southwest style at aldi. YUMMMMM

Also, I wanted to make that potato curry dish again cuz it was sooooo good. My family has PTSD over the smell that lasted 2 days (hubby says it was 3), so we did the frying of onion, garlic and spices on the grill.  In sub zero weather. 🤣🤣🤣 I am stoked cuz that dish is BOMB!  

I also forgot to mention that we met my son and his wife for bruch the other day. Normally, I get waffles or pancakes or cheesey stuffed french toast. I went very healthy with scrambled eggs, hashed browns, bacon and wheat toast, dry. It was great and I didn't even feel like I was missing out. This is also die to tje fact that I frigging feel amazing and I also hot a weight goal. I love my new leaner body. It os the one I had for years and years until I started working out a lot and developed an unsatiable hunger that I figured was from working out. I am happy to have found my new path.

Feb 13

I am still doing great, and have hit my goal wait and have been maintaining it. I am so proud.  Best part is, I am not missing anything. I feel satisfied and proud. I treated myself to a sparkly bra in celebration haha! I even made a booberang. 

I am going to make this new recipe today! Looks delish! 

https://www.tasteofhome.com/recipes/southwest-turkey-patties-with-beans/

I have been CRAVING hot chocolate, so happy I tried this!  Not the same, but a great substitute when you just refuse to give in to temptation...

1 cup almond milk

1 Tbs Cocoa, unsweetened 

1 Tbs 100% maple syrup 

1/2 tsp vanila

Pinch of salt

Put in saucepan and whisk it...whisk it good.

So, since beginning this healtby eating journey,  I am having odd cravings. 8 have gone through 3 jars of kraut (not all are created equal, I am now a kraut snob). When I saw these in Farm and Fleet today I had to jump on board.

Jalapeno quail eggs review 🙈

So,  I feel I was to hasty with my sudden first impression. The flavor bomb threw me for a loop. I actually enjoyed the second little egg, and look forward to more. But they are spicy AF.

Pretty sure these will be better cold, but I couldn't resist and tried it warm. Not that great, but not that awful. I would probably like them more if that darn almond butter wasn't so expensive. They smelled good cooking though 🤣🤣🤣 I will update after I try them cold.

Looks Like Shit, Tastes Like Shit Brownies

3 ripe bananas, mashed

1/2 c. Cocoa powder

1/4 tsp cinnamon 

1 1/2 cup almond butter

350 for 20 mins, cool completely before cutting and eating.

So, those brownies wound up actually being pretty decent. I mayake them again

I have perfected my cookie recipe:

Shawn's Good For Your Body And Soul Cookies

2 ripe bananas, mashed

1 cup rolled oats (measure first, then stick in blender till they are powdered)

2 TBS organic 100% Peanut butter 

1/2 cup raisins 

1/2 cup roughly chopped pecans

1/2 cup Organic Coconut chunks roughly chopped

1 tap. Cinnamon 

Mix ingredients and put on parchment paper lined cookie sheet, they don't spread so they can be close. Cook 15 minutes.  Once cool, store in airtight container in fridge.

My Yarn Path

I recently had the pleasure of beginning the Kaleidoscope CAL.   I have been looking forward to joining this CAL since I first saw the images of the finished afghans.  First, if you don't know me, you need to know that I am a seasoned yarner.  I have designed my own patterns, some complex some not.  When I get into a project I am excited about I am ALL IN.  Crafting, for me, is an amazing outlet, as it is for many people, who use it to destress, help get feelings under control or just to escape. 

We are all on our own unique paths.  Personally, I usually am on the 'quickest scenic route' to get to my destination-just like my real life.  I am in the left lane and occasionally wink and nod at the cuties as I pass them.  I admire all that I see around me and will stop to enjoy special moments.  I try to share my joy with everyone else, help others find their joy along the way and love to celebrate milestones and accomplishments.  I have never judged another crafter nor would I because I am fully aware of the unique path we all must take to find our joy.  I only want to be a bright spot in someone else's journey, and honestly, I feel that is something everyone should strive for in all aspects of their life.  Why would you ever strive to be a rain cloud?

Since beginning this CAL I have seen some of the best and worst of our craft.  Most people, are joyous, kind, helpful and fun.  But there are some, that are giant pot holes in the path of others' joy.  It is pretty sad that I have been made to feel like I cannot share my own success with the group because someone else is viewing a CAL as a contest or a race. 

I've blogged before about how crochet is truly my escape.  People always comment on how much I make or how fast I am.  Inside I'm just thinking how if they only knew that every stitch represented something I am trying to escape that they'd realize I'm not really 'proud' of my accomplishments.  Rather, I'm a bit embarrassed.  I don't need to tell you about  my personal demons to make you understand, honestly, I don't care if you do understand or not.  I have found my own path to happiness, but I do feel like I need to say SOMETHING because not all crafters have gotten to the same place in their path.  I would hate for a giant pothole to swallow someone else up and begrudge them their own happiness. 

One thing in this CAL is certain.  My husband will be having shoulder surgery this month.  This is his second one and I know what this four month recovery will mean.  I have lived it.  I will not have as much time to crochet or knit once this happens, and I'm trying to get as much as I can done now before it happens and I cannot work on this project that I have been so happily awaiting. 

Why should I have to write all this down as if I need to justify the amount of crocheting I have done in my life.  I can make one of these squares in 22 minutes.  Why?  BECAUSE I HAVE YARN IN MY HANDS ALL THE TIME AND IT IS WHAT MY BODY DOES.  Some people go to therapists, I yarn. 

I wake up at 5AM every day so I can box, and this earns me the right to sit on my butt during the day on occasion and make my heart sing with a hook or needles.  I also volunteer at Rock Steady Boxing which is a program for people with Parkinson's Disease.  I feel this also earns me a little bit of private personal time to do what I want with my life.  If what I choose to do  is escape my inner demons and crochet like a wild animal on the couch THAT IS WHAT I SHALL DO.

Our lovely hostess, the designer of this lovely afghan, deserves to have a group with joy and sunshine.  She has made this amazing work of art, shared it with all of us FREE OF CHARGE, and deserves to now sit back and revel in the wonders of happy people hooking the most lovely afghan ever.  To deprive her of this makes me pretty sick inside. 

Because of all of this negativity in the group I will be posting far less because apparently, it is frowned upon.  It saddens me a little, but that is how the world is, full of dark spots, and I crochet to get away from that.  I'm no going to find the dark spots.  I'll take a running leap over them and find my smile on the other side.

Finding My Way: On My Own

I have struggled my entire life, trying to find my own way.  I struggled with religion, never feeling at peace with it.  I have always lived my life trying to be the best me I can be, and have always felt that was good enough.  I try to always let good motivations guide me.  I am always mindful of other people's feelings and do my best to not just do no harm but to also help, even if it is just with words when I can.  I always seek out knowledge, I love fun facts and learning as much about everything as I can.  I adore nature, all things in nature intrigue me, from the lowliest of bugs to the mightiest of beasts-they all are a part of my soul.  I always look for the good in every situation and try to not dwell on the past.  I always look to how I can avoid mistakes of the past, but look to the here and now for how I can, today, at this moment, be the best me I can be. I do not like to drink alcohol because I do not like being not in control of myself.

I never understood religion.  Why must we learn so many off-the wall stories to be good people?  Why must we be told we are sinners?  I never went to a church that made me feel happy inside.  I am very happy that others find joy and happiness in their religions, but I never had that.  I love that there is a place people can go to to find the way to a path of kindness, forgiveness and love.  I truly feel this way, I am very happy that people can find their peace in any way that they can, but it is not for me.  It never has been, and my soul was always a little restless because of this.

I recently begun taking a yoga class.    I box every day Monday-Friday at 5 AM and Yoga is a great supplement to my workouts.  Our instructor always says the same thing when we are done, "Peace to all beings, with no exception."  I thought this was so beautiful.  I loved that small little statement. I loved it so much that I decided to look it up.  I then started diving into an internet hole.  I found a page describing Buddhism and I found myself completely overwhelmed with emotion.  I felt like the entire page was describing me.  My entire life and feelings were all written out there in this philosophy.  I feel like my soul has completely been set free.  I feel at such a peace knowing that I am not the only person who feels this way on the planet.  I am very disappointed in my friends and family who have watched me struggle with religion, however.  I feel like someone should have told me that all of my views and beliefs were shared with many others and that I do have a place in this world. 

I am not changed by this knowledge, only enlightened.  I feel like I can now grow and really expound on my beliefs now that they are validated.  I do not need to look for something that does not exist for me.  My path is my own and I am finding my way on it with a joyous soul and a free spirit.  I have no great cosmic point to this blog post, this is just me trying to get my feelings and emotions down as they are still in my mind during this pivotal stage in my life.

I am currently in the process of designing an afghan, and it has been really neat having this project here with me as I have made these revelations about myself. Are they really revelations though, as they are really who I always have been?  Maybe, rather, it is just an enlightenment or awareness, but whatever you want to call it, I am happy, I am free, I am at peace.

My Grammy, My Mentor, My Hero

We went to visit my grammy today.  She is the one who taught me to crochet and so many other fun things like cake decorating, napkin folding, make klub, and how to be a decent person.  She grew up with foster parents, and life was not easy for her.  She was abused and didn't use that as an excuse to be a victim.  She used it as an excuse to make the world a better place, and she did.  

She was a foster parent to many children, and a grandma to all.  She would do anything for anyone at any time, sometimes to the annoyance of those around her.  I know some people would be jealous of the way she heaped love and attention and gifts on people, but you needed to see her the way I saw her.  I didn't look at it as her leaving someone out, I looked at it as her trying to help those she felt needed the help (even if they didn't-she had her own scale of determining this).  

She was always in her prime when she was the boss lady.  She loved to be in control of things, she looked at it as doing her part to help and make sure things got done right.  She was a nurse and was a charge nurse and her nickname was Speedy Edie.  She will always be who she is, and I love her for it.  I always say, "You hate what you love."  It is so true in this situation, some of her best qualities were her worst, and I am really good at focusing on the good in any situation.  

I was one of her 'projects' shall we say.  My mother left me when I was little and my dad got custody.  My grammy quit work so she could help take care of me when my dad was working.  I spent a lot of time with her, and I got along with her.  She has a very strong personality, and I have always been good at reading people and becoming who they  need me to be.  I always did what she wanted me to do and was able to glean so many lovely talents from her by being at her side.  

I like to tell people that she taught me how to crochet.  It isn't completely true.  She ALWAYS had a crochet hook and yarn with her.  ALWAYS.  She was always making something if she was sitting-in a car or in a chair.  When it came time for me to learn (when I was older and realized my sister in law knew how I had to one up her) I asked her to teach me.  She wasn't the best teacher, and got frustrated easily. haha!  Hay man, we aren't all perfect all the time! ;) She grumbled and growled at me and kept showing me how with these really fast hand flailing motions that I couldn't wrap my brain around.  She sent me home with books, and in the backs of those books were little pictures of stitches.  THAT Was how I learned, from those books, so yeah, she gets cred, even if it isn't entirely true! haha!

When I saw grammy yesterday she was the same grammy I always knew, yet so very different.  We first saw her as we approached the Memory Care wing.  I saw her zoom past the window in her wheel chair.  I screamed, "THERE'S GRAMMY!"  After they buzzed us in, I went down to where I saw her zoom.  She was pounding on a stranger's door saying, "It's GRANDMA!"  She was everyone's grandma, so of course she would be introducing herself as grandma.  I said hi to her, and she instantly remembered who I was.  She remembered my husband and my daughter as well!  I was so happy! 

She told me how the man who lives across from her is her brother (he isn't) but he is with the bad guys.  They are all against her and I should be ready that we will need to start shooting soon.  I told her I was pretty sure we shouldn't be shooting anyone, but she just patted my hand and said, "it's ok, you don't have to I can protect you."  I had  her show me her room and she chastised her roommate for always sleeping in her bed (although the roommate was in her proper bed and not my grammy's).  I brought her an afghan that I made so she can have lots of pretty colors in her room (you can see the corner of it on her bed behind her head in the above image).  She didn't want me to leave it there though as she was sure June would steal it.  Grammy had an injury on her arm and the nurse told me it was from a door.  Grammy said they beat her up and tried to shove her glasses on her face the wrong way.  She was missing an earring and told me they stole it.  She knew that the food was being poisoned so she won't eat it or drink anything or take her medicine.  They are all trying to control her and she is not going to fall for it.  She knows a bunch of police and they are all trying to help her.  Her daughter is in charge of the first floor and will be up shortly.  Her sister is there with a two moth old baby but she can't find them.  She is really disappointed in her brother, who won't help at all. I told grammy that my son was getting married, she did not miss a beat, and exclaimed, "I'LL MAKE THE CAKE!"  I had to explain that it was coming up too quick and there was no time, but thank you.  Grammy then zoomed down the hall and proceeded to tell everyone that was parked out in the hall that she was there to help them all.  She also told a grown man he could sit in grandma's lap and patted her lap.  She grabbed people's hands and stroked them, telling them everything was going to be OK because she had people coming to help them all. She introduced me to people as her really artistic granddaughter who is so talented.  I reminded her that she was the one who taught me, and she said, "That's what grandmas do." She kept putting her hands in doorjambs and I kept reminding her to keep her fingers out of there or she would lose fingers.  She was quick to say, "I'm a Goplen. We all lose fingers so that is OK."  So yeah, grammy was different, but really, she was the same.  Just a different world, same grammy. :)

I really felt bad leaving, but I cannot stay there forever, sadly.  I look forward to our next visit.  I hope she remembers that we came to see her.  I love that woman so much.  I hate thinking of her there, she lived her life helping others, she took care of her husband when he had Alzheimer's so he wouldn't have to go to a place like this. This was unexpected as she was just at my house a few weeks ago.  She had a stroke shortly after that and this is what has happened.  She had been a bit more confused the last few times I had seen her, but nothing to this extent.  Really was quite shocking to see such a change so fast.  This can be a cruel life, and sometimes, those smiles are hard to find.  

I just realized I don't have a lot of pictures of my grammy.  When I was a kid, I was with her a lot so I guess no one thought to get our photos.  I have lots of photos of me with family I never saw, because they had to keep a record of the fact that they saw me for a brief moment in my life.  Sad, that all my photos are of me with people that mean nothing to me. Actually, shit.  Now I am crying.  That is really irony at its finest.  

UPDATE:  (about three weeks later)
She is doing much better than before.  Here is a little blurb I wrote up recently: 
I want to show you where my last Jacaranda wound up! I had made three, and this one I was holding onto for someone special. My Grammy! She suffered a stroke about a month ago, and has had memory issues since then. Speedy Edie is her nickname, and she is still living up to her nickname! She zooms all over keeping herself busy all day long! This makes visiting a little difficult as we have to trot to keep up! Haha! She is the best! She is so proud of the afghan I crocheted for her, and has it displayed on her bed. She taught me my craft so it was only fitting she get a pretty afghan for her bed in the Memory Care unit! I love that she remembers that I made it and that she remembers teaching me to crochet!  She was a foster parent to many children, a head nurse and helped to watch me when I was little and my dad had custody of me.  She thinks she crochets every day now, she doesn't, but her mind is being kind to her in letting it think that she does!

Swamp Gem, the afghan I left on grammy's bed 

Grammy and I with Pepper, her pitbull

Grammy  and some random dude

Grammy's Nursing Photo

My grammy and I at Disney World

My grammy and I peeking out of our windows on our Cruise ship, the Norwegian Prince (I think that was the name of it)  She too me on a cruise before my open heart surgery, the last time I ever wore a suit without a scar. 

My grammy there at my side after my heart surgery.

Update (this is a post I made about a crocheted nurse doll I made her):

This is my Grammy. She taught me how to crochet about 19 years ago. She went into Memory Care a little over a year ago and I made her this afghan to help cheer her up. She bragged about her granddaughter making it for her every chance she got.

I visited as often as I could, up until a few days before the quarantine. On that visit, she told me how she only had one doll in her life and her foster mother destroyed it. She was SO SAD that she didn't have a dolly. I immediately went home and crocheted her her very own dolly.

I made the dolly into a nurse because she was a nurse for so long and spent her days making sure people in Senior Living were not forgotten, she would take people to the store or just visit with them so they weren't alone. She crocheted so many prayer shawls for these people and so many others she didn't know...

She was a foster parent as well, back in the day and took care of me when my parents devorced and my dad got custody of me.

It breaks my heart to know she is there alone, and I have no idea if she really understands about the quarantine. Wednesday, I finally get to 'maybe' to go bring her her dolly, I won't find out for sure until the night before, as the situation is fluid.

Anyhow, this is mostly just me thinking about how she passed her love for crochet down to me, and how it can be used to comfort others, as well as relieving stress for the one who is hooking. I am glad she taught me this, and hope I can pass it along someday.

Sorry this got long, but I just needed to get that out and didn't want to burden my family....

Update:  It was many months before we were allowed to visit  her.  My husband and I finally got to see her a week before she passed, finally being able to gift her this dolly.  These were my words:

My Grammy was many things to many people. To me, she was my rock, my crafting mentor, my google nurse (before google was a thing and even did procedures from time to time. Idk how many beads she got out of our noses through the years haha) and sometimes my escape. She taught me to overcome. No matter what your past is, you can do good things in this moment. I cannot recall a time when she wasn't doing something. Always, she was making something or doing something, and almost always it was for someone else. There are so many pieces of her out there, crocheted snowflakes, prayer shawls, quilts, wedding cake photographs and so much more. I always saw her busy, but I never saw her tired. She found such joy, satisfaction and energy from being a good person.

I will always hold dear her joy in hearing that my daughter was going to school to be a paramedic and that my son was coming home. She clapped and open mouth grinned. I am so glad I was finally able to see her that one time after Covid had halted our visits. I was able to tell her how much everyone loves her and misses her, and I named everyone and she was so happy to hear that they all said hi! She said they are all good people.

My Grammy passed away last night, in her sleep. I am sure she is in a better place and clapping her hands and smiling down on us all. Today, I ask you, in her honor, think of something you can do for someone else, and then do it. Be good people. Speedy Edie would like that very much.

I have added some photos of

Edith Hollibaugh

to this post that I have on my computer. I was going to make a slide show, but that will have to be later, I'm sort of a mess currently, and I also wanted to just put the pics here in case anyone wanted to save them.