My Father's Day Wish

This is my Daddy. He raised me, long ago when dads didn't normally get custody-but he did! He let me barf on him, put bows in his hair and pick out his grey hairs (which I probably caused in the first place). Words cannot describe how much he means to me, and watching him suffer has been truly gut wrenching.

We do not know what is wrong with my dad. We need to know what is wrong with him. He has been going to doctors for so many years, so many doctors for pain that he has had and countless surgeries that never helped anything. One day, he was messing around on facebook and clicked a link about MS. Something clicked with him, when he read that article, that maybe all his weird symptoms are all related. He never really had gone to just one doctor for all the ailments before. He immediately made a doctor's appointment and began trying to get to the bottom of this. We aren't saying he has MS-but he does have SOMETHING. We just don't know WHAT.

Needless to say, one doctor's appointment turned into a few doctor's appointments with specialists with long gaps of time between (specialists take forever to see) and so far, nobody has had any diagnosis or even an inkling of what is wrong with my dad. We are begging someone to please care enough to look at his case and help figure it out. He has gotten so much worse in just a year, I am scared that whatever he has may be irreversible and if we wait too long the effects could be devastating. If this could all be treated or cured in some way, we would love to know-and if it can't, we STILL want to know!

This video is of my dad explaining his symptoms...

Video of my dad describing his symptoms

At least the ones we thought of whilst sitting there talking to the camera. Since we filmed, he probably has remembered a few more that we left out. He isn't a complainer, he doesn't want to burden people with his troubles, he isn't asking for anything for free-he just wants to find a doctor that is willing to help him get to the bottom of this. He does have insurance and can travel (with the help of his loved ones) anywhere in the US.

I am just hoping that this might click with someone somewhere. Maybe someone can share it with a doctor that specializes in this kind of stuff, or maybe just share with me the information of a doctor that may be of help to us.

Chronology of Information/symptoms as best of his knowledge (please excuse the poor formatting, but it was a copy/paste and facebook didn’t like it. I hope to edit it when I have time).

Age 5. - 1958 –I had mono. Epstein Barr virus antibodies are believed to contribute to MS symptoms later in life. Age 8 (or 9)-had an appendectomy

Age 10. - 1963 – Tremors started and continue to this day.

Age 14. – 1967 – Earaches with no sign of infection and eardrum damage. No wax buildup. Doctors can find n reason for the earaches. Continues to this day. (Common among MS patients.)

Age 14. – 1967 – rapid heartbeat and irregular EKG. Common with MS patients. Continues to this day.

Age 25. - 1978 – Tiic Dolorous started. (More common among MS patients than the general population.) Attacks frequently are accompanied with pain behind eyes, blurred vision, and / or double vision. Continues to this day.

Mid 20’s. – About 1980? – Began having serious gum disease. Quarterly visits to dentist for deep scraping/cleaning did not help. Kept loosing teeth until I gave up and had dentures put in.

Age 30. – 1983 – High blood pressure. Continues to this day even after deliberately losing 80 pounds and modifying diet. (Common among MS patients.)

Age 40. - 1993 – Developed symptoms similar to carpal tunnel syndrome. Had bilateral carpal tunnel surgery. No relief. MS can cause pain, numbness, cramping that mimics carpal tunnel syndrome. Many MS patients are miss-diagnosed with carpal tunnel syndrome.

Age 41. – 1994 – Ulnar nerve issues. Surgery with no relief. Same issues as carpal tunnel. See above. Continues to this day.

Age 55. – 2008 – Balance issues. Stumbling, falling, numbness in feet and legs. Pain in both upper arms – constantly! Continues to this day.

Age 57. – 2009 – slurred speech. Continues to this day.

Age 62. – 2015 – An hour or two in sun and I am totally exhausted. Legs collapse. Fall. Cannot walk. (I was hospitalized for this in 2015.) Elevated creatinine levels (common among MS patients.) Occurs periodically to this day.)

Currently – Chronic exhaustion. Daily periods of double vision. Lack of balance. Frequent falls. Although I can hear fairly well, I always have the feeling that one ear or the other is plugged up. Pain in upper arms never goes away. Numbness in feet, legs never stops, and right forearm numbness never stops. Hands frequently cramp up.

My PRK Story: I Spy With My Little Eye

Update on my corrective eye surgery: Many thanks to all those that have asked how it went...I've avoided giving an official Facebook update because I wanted to give my eye time to heal and really be able to speak about whether or not I thought it was a good thing...

So I sat and pondered the laser corrective eye surgery a LONG time. I was always petrified to do it, because I have, like everyone, heard horror stories and I didn't want that to be me....BUT I am just so sick of contacts, I never really felt comfortable in them and glasses make me a complete lunatic (ask Jaime-and yes, more so than usual).

I consulted three different places-one was Lasik Vision Institute in Oak Brook-They were terrible. They gave me the best deal but they packed people in the waiting room like cattle and then made you wait...and watch a stupid promotional video on loop...then they had you speak to a salesman to ask if you had questions...um..I had plenty of questions for the DOCTOR...Long story short, after many hours of waiting here waiting there I got to see the doctor. She was a complete ass and was so overly fake that even my husband commented on it (he's usually Mr. What'sYourProblemPants)... Another was in Seneca-they were great-just REALLY far away...I finally went with Spectrum Eye Institute...it was much closer to my home, but that is not the reason I went with them. Out of all the places, this was the only one to suggest that I could try a contact in one eye to see how I liked my vision corrected with only ONE eye being operated on...AND they suggested I consider PRK because I am so active (plus the chickens)....The negatives of PRK is that it is very painful to heal from for a few days and your results are not immediate-it can take months to fully see well...

So...Had the surgery almost two weeks ago. My eye felt like it had grains of sand in it at first, followed by a herd of MMA people having at it and popping it back into my head, followed by glass being shoved in my eye and then a boulder on top of the glass...That lasted for three days (first time I ever took prescribed pain pills and they didn't touch the pain)...Then they removed the bandage contact on the fourth day and I was a bit sad because my eye was so blurry. But it has gotten progressively better and here I am two weeks (tomorrow) out and I can see. I can tell you already it was all worth that pain. YEAH! And a bonus is that my eyes have returned to their white color-when I'd wear contacts they always seemed to look an unhealthy creamy almost yellow color.

So there you have it, my stupid summary of my eye surgery. In case anyone wanted my info for their own personal info bank.

UPDATE:  A few days after writing all that I wound up jabbing my eye with the disposable dropper (that jaggedy edge) and got an abrasion.  Instantly, the world went blurry again.  I made it to the doctor who confirmed it was an abrasion, that looked like a big blister.  IT was awful.  It hurt and I couldn't see well at all. :(  It took a solid MONTH for my vision to come back.  BUT  now that it has I am so happy and 100% thrilled with the surgery.  Just remember, when doing drops, drop them into the corner of your eye and then tilt your head to the side so it falls into your eye. :) 

Proud Omnivore: My First Chicken Slaughter Thoughts

The other day I had to do something that needed to be done. It was not something I was happy to do nor was I looking forward to doing it. I had to butcher two of my roosters. I've had them for over a year. My vision was simple: raise chickens for eggs and sometimes for meat. Sounds easy enough, plenty of people do it-but I hadn't done it.

Ideally, chickens should be eaten when they are young, but I wasn't ready yet last year to do it. I spent an entire year researching and studying exactly how to do it properly, so that my friends would not be wasted. Yes. They were my friends. I loved them dearly. I wanted to have enough information implanted in my brain so that when it came down to 'doing the deed' I would be able to do it all professionally and without confusion.

Finally, the day came when we had to do it. It was done with such respect and love...and yes, TEARS. MANY TEARS...but I must say that I will never eat a piece of meat the same way again. EVER. I've always respected and loved animals. But there is something that changes you when you raise an animal and then eat it. It is sad, yes, but at the same time it is a guilt-free food. I felt so happy to know that these animals I was eating had had a GREAT life. They were happy chickens doing happy chicken things and never experienced any sort of abuse. They knew the feel of grass under their little feet and they knew the feel of the sun as it kissed their feathers. They never had a day of hunger or thirst. They knew the love of a human and they changed the life of the human forever.

I shared my experience with a chicken group that I have been a part of for quite some time. A group that does share this sad side of life, sharing such knowledge to empower and educate folks like myself. I was harassed by many people for eating chicken and it left a very bad taste in my mouth. I wish these people would hang out at supermarkets and talk to ladies purchasing their chicken dinner at the grocery store. Hold up a photo of what the chicken's life was most likely like. Judge them. Those that view store meat as just meat. You don't truly think of your meat as a living breathing creature until you have raised one and eaten one of your own. I mean, yeah, I've always known when I eat a burger there was a cow out there that had to die for me...but somehow, doing this yourself touches a chord inside your heart that changes you forever.

I have nothing to feel guilty for, I am only proud that I was able to provide a meal for my family that was probably the most healthy and guilt free meat we have ever put into our bodies. Judge me. Go ahead. JUDGE ME. My head is high.  What did I make with my first home-grown chicken?  Chicken-A-La-King... Yes, I made him a king....It truly was a dish fit for a king...

The Light Shines Through Part 2

This is a supplement to my previous blog post-almost exactly a year ago, "The Light Shines Through."  You may want to go read that first if you care to have any sort of background story....

The last few months I knew something was broiling...Usually, my mother calls me once every other weekend.  It is our thing.  My whole life, I can expect my every other weekend phone call where I get to hear all about her troubles and she learns nothing about me...But every so often, she plays a game...It is called, "Let's not call Shawn and see if she calls me."  I do love games.  Monopoly, Scrabble, Scategories, Taboo, you name it I love it.  But I don't love people games.  They aren't cool.  I don't play her game.  I don't give in...I don't call her.  I suppose I could...but the fact of the matter is I don't want to.  I suppose I am playing my own game.  I'm playing the, "You left me when I was little and never gave a care about me and the only way you show me you care is calling every other weekend so I'm going to hold you to it."  Childish and stupid...but ya, these are my hurt little kid feelings at it again.

Let's back up a few months....I did bite the bullet and invited my mother to come to see my son before he left for boot camp.  She declined.  It was very hard for me to work up the courage to ask her after all that recent drama (previous blog post).  I'm still sucking down that bitter pill when I found out that yet again this lady is going to visit her family in another state (6 hours from mine) in a few months.  I was 'informed' that that is when she was going.  I was not consulted...had I been, I'd have been able to say that the month that she chose to go is the month my daughter is in Driver's Ed and I cannot leave.  But I wasn't consulted....Why?   Because she does not care if she sees me....Because of this I am done.  I am done done done done done.  I cannot say it enough.  If I saw her on the street I'd turn around and walk the other way. She is nothing to me. I refuse to allow her to inflict this pain on me again.

The little girl inside me, the one who only wanted to die throughout her entire High School life, the one that only wanted her mother's love is really really sad...she is sobbing hysterically...but the big girl I am is so very very proud of me.  I am proud that I overcame the monster that is my mother and became what I wanted...a mom.  MOM.  I am MOM.  I will be GRANDMA!  I will be all that she never was, and I am proud of me!  In SPITE of her, never because of her.

This is me...clicking my heels and skipping away....whistling softly in the sunshine.

No Bunny Loves You!

When my daughter was little, I caught her bawling her eyes out in the closet....she couldn't' have been more than three...When I heard the hysterical sobbing, I searched for her and found her in the corner of her closet.....I asked what was wrong...

Her reply:  This bunny says no body loves me!

I looked at the little stuffed bunny in her hands...I gently squeezed his tummy and heard him say in a silly little bunny voice,  "Eh, some bunny loves you."  I explained to her that she was not understanding what the bunny was saying...

Ever since then, when she is down I just look at her and do my best silly bunny voice and say, "No bunny loves you."  She knows what it means...she knows that it means that even though things seem sad and bleak, there is always another way to look at the situation...

Not really sure why I felt I needed to share this story...but I have been making a LOT of bunnies lately. Maybe that is why...haha!  Anyhow, just remember, "No bunny loves you!" ;) 

How I Stopped Chain Smoking: One Chain Stitch At A Time!

I had open heart surgery at the age of 11...Of course I was told to never smoke...but I took that as a dare I guess, and when all my friends began smoking, of course I had to do it too.

As a child I loved the movie 'Pollyanna.'  I loved The Happy Game she played in that movie.  Everyone could benefit greatly from watching that movie.  There is nothing that cannot be changed to something good-it may be hard, but that is what makes it a game.

When I quit  smoking , I did not WANT to quit.  I LIKED to smoke, it tasted good and it made me feel good.  I just HAD to quit because I knew it was the right thing to do- and cuz I'm a cheapass and they kept raising the prices. 

I told myself:  NEVER again will I EVER have even "just a drag."  That always got me into trouble when I'd quit in the past...I also told myself that I had to get EXCITED about quitting.

So, every time I felt the urge for a smoke, I would FORCE myself to smile, and tell myself, "This is so AWESOME!  This is good for you!  You are doing a GREAT JOB!"  This was a VERY forced smile, and at the time, it was hard to do-to say those words in my head and to make myself smile.  I remember my dad telling me that I looked like the joker when I'd do my random "I am quitting smoking  smile," because it really was a forced smile haha!

Eventually that forced scary lady smile turned into a real smile.  I smile now because I am healthy, not tied to cigarettes (my whole life doesn't consist of "how am I going to sneak out and puff away?"), and I have extra money.

I also turned to tea.  I was also scared to quit because I didn't want to gain a lot of weight-and everyone says that happens when you quit.  So, I bought different kinds of tea (mainly because it isn't bad for you):  green tea, raspberry tea, blueberry tea (do I sound like Bubba?  Shrimp Gumbo, Fried Shrimp, Shrimp Salad bahahaha!).  I enjoyed my "break time" that the cigarettes allowed me.  I would sneak outside with my tea-so I didn't feel like I was cheating myself my little tiny "leave me alone for five minutes" breaks...

I needed to keep my hands busy.  Again, I didn't want to gain weight, so I needed something to do with my fidgety hands!  Putting a crochet hook in my hands did the trick!  It felt good to hold a stick in my hands-and this one wasn't a cancer stick!  YEAH!  AND when I was all done holding it I would have something fun to use or display!  Turned out the crochet became very therapeutic for me.

I also put a "no excuses" clause on my quitting.  In the past, I would let things "allow" me to smoke.  Maybe someone made me mad, maybe life got stressed, or maybe I was just in a pissy mood.  I told myself this time around there is NO EXCUSES to start smoking .  I was really put to the test because a few months after I quit my husband was deployed to Iraq.  I figured that this would be the ultimate test, if I could make this deployment smoke-free I was a winner.

I figured out how much I'd been spending on cigarettes, and put away that money that I would have spent for a whole year.  We used it to do fun family things and YARN!  LOTS OF YARN!!!  It was so nice to SEE what we had earned by my selfishness.

Anyhow, that is how I quit smoking.   Maybe it will help you or someone else, maybe not...but it worked for me.  December 13, 2008 at 2 PM I quit.  I have not even had a puff since.  I admit that I actually still will say that I loved smoking.  LOVED it.  BUT I didn't love it more than I loved myself or my family...and I surely didn't love it more than YARN!  I will always smell it and think, "GAWD I LOVE THOSE THINGS."  But I will never EVER have a puff.  

The Light Shines Through

Sometimes your soul just hurts so bad you feel that surely you have lost a little piece of it.  I think every time I make something, I am patching up a little hole in my soul…it is fitting that when you hold a knitted item up to the light you can see the sun shining through…Maybe, the pieces aren’t really lost…maybe they are just turned around a little and need rearranging......

I wrote that yesterday on my facebook….This is the story behind that post-because I hate vagueness and just saying that little bit didn’t help my soul to feel better.

I have long been a fan of Pollyanna.  I try to always take a bad and find the good in it.  I always keep my father’s words close to my heart, “No matter how bad you think you have it, someone else always has it worse.”  But sometimes, our own pain is very real, and sometimes we need a little cleanse.  This is mine.

My mom left me when I was little.  I was blessed to have been raised by my father.  Every major holiday I would be uprooted and become the “Unaccompanied Minor” on the plane and go visit my mom.  I would look out that little airplane window and be so sad, knowing I was leaving my home.  Never failed-a tear (or fifty) would slip down my cheek-no matter how much I told myself, “this time, try not to cry, Shawn!”   She lived with her new husband and his kids from a previous marriage would always come to visit the same time.  (I’m stating now, that I really like this man and his children a LOT-this narrative is my relieving myself of the pain caused to me by my mother).  This meant I never really had ‘mommy daughter’ time.  I admit, I did have a lot of fun when I would visit-but it was not really any bonding time with my mother. 

Even in the best of situations, divorce sucks.  It sucks to know your mom left you and never wants to visit you (since I was the one who always had to travel the distance and be uprooted-I was the one doing the visiting not the other way around).  I spent my youth dreaming of how I would have kids and love them so much.  I would never leave them. I would tell them every day how very much I love them.  I learned from my mother-how to not behave as a parent.  I would fall asleep almost every single night wishing I was dead-I would think about how maybe, at my funeral she would show that she cared.  Yes, this is stupid and childish, but I was a child-and I hurt so very deeply.  I even cut myself.  Oh, I don’t like to admit that-it’s embarrassing.  I didn’t REALLY want to kill myself-I know that now.  I just would be so filled with self-loathing and sadness that it was my release.  I was horrified after I did it, and would see  what a mess I made of my arms and I would hide it (or try to).  I thought I was the only one on the planet that did that.  Now, as an adult, I hear that it is a thing that people do-no comfort in knowing I was not the only one to do that.   Actually, one of my friends saw my arms once and dragged me to the counselor.  I’d have to say, as far as counselors go she was pretty crappy.  Clearly I needed help and none was given.  She just told me to punch a pillow. Sure lady.  Sure.

As an adult, I went through a period where I just wanted to stop being hurt by my mom.  I told her that until she got sober I wouldn’t speak with her.  That lasted for a few years, until the death of my Great Grandfather-which caused us to start speaking again.  I told myself, that I did not want to be an excuse for her to drink.  Alcoholics always need an excuse for drinking-so I told myself that no matter how hard it was, I would continue to try to  have a relationship with this woman.  

She is an even worse grandparent than she is a parent.  She has maybe met my 14 year old daughter three (maybe four?) times.  I think the first time she met my daughter was when my daughter was a year and a half old.  What kind of mother doesn’t rush over to meet her new grandbaby?   So now, in my adult life I console myself with planning how I will be the best grandma ever! 

My mom has been asking me for the date of my kids’ graduation party (one is graduating high school the other junior high).  I told her I wasn’t 100% sure that we were having a party due to my husband’s new job.  I told her to just plan her time to visit and if I have a party I will plan it for on a date that she is here.  I was informed that the ONLY reason she was going to visit me (keep in mind it has been years since I have seen her-and she did not invite me to the family reunion she planned last summer) was to be at the party.  My bad, I thought you wanted to visit, and were just going to make it convenient to plan your visit around the party.  I should have known.  She is the person who wants to say, how wonderful she is-"LOOK!  I went to your graduation party!"  But ya...were you here for the graduation?  Or how about all that lead up to it?  No...I thought, surely, I misunderstood what she meant, so I asked for clarification.  Yup.  She only will visit if  I have a party.  No thanks.

The reunion…yes…I have told her repeatedly through my adult life, whenever she makes the journey to visit her home town to let me know.  Because I was only a ‘visitor’ to that area and that family, I don’t really know that family at all.  I love visiting them though!  She planned a visit to go there-even went so far as to invite my brother (who lives just as far away from that place as I do) but didn’t bother to invite me.  I kept waiting for her to ask me if I wanted to come.  No invitation ever came.  I was heartbroken.   Completely crushed.  The photos of her and my brother reconnecting with family as they visited  started popping up on facebook and my hurt intensified.  Would you believe she had no idea why I ignored her for a few months?  I had to spell out for her that it hurt my feelings that she didn’t invite me to a family reunion.  Then she tried to make me feel bad for saying that and threatened to kill herself or something along those lines.   

Honestly, I didn’t want her to come visit anyhow.  This is true and my family knows it.  They see my pain every day.  They hear me when I tell them that I am squeezing them extra hard that it is because I didn’t get a hug from my mom every day-I only got a few a year.  Sometimes, I am grateful to have the story of the crappy mother just so I can weasel a few extra hugs from my kids! Haha!  My kids, bless their little hearts,  kept telling me to be the bigger person and invite her to the party.  They are so sweet, and like me, don’t want to be the cause of anyone’s pain.  So I did…invite her…against my will…and was shat upon once again.

I am done now.  This is me cleansing my life of her.  I cannot continue to be emotionally destroyed by her.  How many times can a person rip pieces of your soul out before it stops hurting?  Apparently, a soul is infinite, because the times for me are countless and it still hurts-even with the knowledge that I know she will continue to hurt me.  I KNOW she will never be the kind of mom any person deserves.  I know that.  But even with this knowledge, the pain still comes.   Every single day-but some days are more bearable than others. 

I hate when I see on facebook or other social media, those stupid memes that say “love your mom because you only have one.”  Guess what?  That’s stupid.  I’ll love who I love for the reasons someone should be loved.  Facebook memes are so funny sometimes, my mom actually posted one once that said, “my mom taught me everything except how to live without her.”  Really?  REALLY?  She is THAT clueless. 

This is me, Shawn, moving on.  This is me, trying to make the world a better place because I am in it.  I don’t want to be the cause of anyone’s pain, but I am going to have to do that for my own sanity.  Maybe she won’t be sad because I stop talking to her, and that is OK too.  I just know, that I am now done.  This fake relationship is too real to continue.  My heart is not a game and my love is real.  My pain is true.

I love being a happy person.  I love being fun and silly.  I love waking up every morning with a smile and thinking about ways to make the world a little sunshiny.  Maybe it is just knitting a zombie doll with guts falling out-or maybe it is dropping a little crocheted bunny in the mall for some kid to find…it doesn’t matter-I just love being happy and I love when everyone else is happy.  Life is way too short to be sad for long and if you can’t find a way to find the silver lining and the sun that is always behind the clouds then  maybe it is time for a little change.

Writing out my pain is my soul cleanse.  It always has been.  It is like I am taking everything dark and sad inside me and removing it.  Once I have written it out I don’t have to continue to think about it.  If I ever need to remember, I know I can always go back and read about it-but it can be removed from my mind.  I needed that today.  I’m sorry I had to write this boring little depressing thing…but I hope that you see that it really isn’t a sad post…I don’t want pity, sympathy or hugs.  Be proud of me.  Be happy for me.  This is me moving on, taking a deep breath and keeping on keeping on!  This is me living.  This is me smiling.  This is me….Now back to knitting.  I have a fun fun fun project I am about to start. Something I’ve been wanting to do for a long time!  I can’t wait to hold it up to the sunshine and see the light shining through.

Crafts have been my way of dealing with stress and sadness...When my hubby deployed the first time I went to the store and bought a sewing machine-never had sewn before-but taught myself to sew to keep my mind busy.  The second time he deployed, I had JUST quit smoking and didn't want to start up again so I started crocheting again like a maniac....Those hooks, needles and fabric saved me I think...more times than I can count.


Update:  My son, seeing my pain, had a long chat with me the other day...he told me I more than made up for my mom-he said I was the best mom ever, that I was always there for every single thing that ever happened in his life...And I told him, that was the bare minimum.  That should be expected.  THAT is what a mom should do-without thanks or question.  That is what every single kid on this planet deserves...it doesn't make me the best mom ever-it just makes me a mom.  And I am happy with that. :)

Update to the update:
My mom has basically honored my request to leave me alone..I didn't unfriend her on facebook, but I did make it so she cannot see my daily postings...She left this on my timeline:

It was the second time she'd left something like that...I didn't want to be a jerk by not responding-who doesn't respond to their mom's lovely post?  Uggh.  So I responded with this:

Still waiting for her to click 'like.'